Friday, August 22, 2014

Had I gone "100 years", I still wouldn't have made a "connection"...

info: at 18:15:50
Hello, my name is [employee], your [Internet Provider] TV and entertainment specialist. How may I assist you today?

[employee]: at 18:15:53
Hello and welcome to [Internet Provider]!  How may I assist you?

Andy: at 18:15:51
Good evening. I'm here at my parent's house and wanted to check what level of internet service they're getting.

[employee]: at 18:16:34
Sure!  Can I have the account number please?

Andy: at 18:17:39
I'm looking for it. Where would I find it on their bill?

[employee]: at 18:18:12
It should be located in the top corner of the bill.

Andy: at 18:19:29
[account number]

[employee]: at 18:20:29
Thanks!  To verify the account, could I please have your full home address?

Andy: at 18:20:35
[parents' address]

[employee]: at 18:21:10
Perfect!  Can I also get your first and last name?

Andy: at 18:21:34
The name on the account is [father's name]

[employee]: at 18:22:15
Can I have your first and last name please?

Andy: at 18:22:29
I'm Andy [last name]; [father]'s eldest son.

[employee]: at 18:23:44
I do apologize Andy, but I do not see your name listed on the account therefore I cannot give you any information on the account. 

Andy: at 18:24:35
I see. So you're not able to tell me which internet speed level they're enrolled in.

[employee]: at 18:25:18
I do apologize but I am not able to give you any information regarding this account.

Andy: at 18:25:58
Ok. Can you provide general information, such as what speed levels are even available in this part of [city]? That shouldn't be personal account information.

[employee]: at 18:27:19
Sure!  I will first need a full home address to see what speeds are available in your area?

Andy: at 18:27:39
[parents' address]

[employee]: at 18:28:13
one moment please.

[employee]: at 18:31:44
I do apologize, but since this address is listed on the account I will not be able to give you the speeds available at this address.  Your father can chat back in to get information on this account.

[employee]: at 18:31:54
Is there anything else I can assist you with today?

(You have yet to assist me. I believe "else" might be overstating it.)

Andy: at 18:32:16
Can you check speeds "in this general area". I'm just wondering if you even offer the 40 Mbps package.

[employee]: at 18:33:06
I would have to have a particular address to look up that information for you.

Andy: at 18:33:49
Ok. Hang on. I'll see if I can see one of the neighbor's addresses... hopefully they're not already customers.

(I wouldn't want to trouble you... at your computer terminal... Please allow me to physically go outside and find some house numbers.)

Andy: at 18:35:24
[neighbor's address]

Andy: at 18:36:00
This is a townhouse development, so you can also try: 11674, 11675, 11676, or 11677

Andy: at 18:36:25
(Those are the ones I could easily see from the driveway. I can get you other numbers if those are all existing customers.)

[employee]: at 18:37:24
Thanks Andy!  One moment while I look up these addresses for you!

[employee]: at 18:37:57
Can I have the zip code please?

(It's the same zip code as my parents' zip code. I know you know my parents' address because you're looking at the information you cannot tell me.)

Andy: at 18:38:20
[zip code]

[employee]: at 18:39:19
Up to 40mpbs is available to the address.  Is there anything else I can assist you with today?

Andy: at 18:40:17
If my parents did not have the 40 Mbps package, would there be any hardware changes required to upgrade them? (or to switch to any of the levels from whatever they're at.)

Andy: at 18:40:47
By which, I mean, generally speaking, is it something that could be done over the phone/online, or would a technician be involved.

[employee]: at 18:41:00
I do apologize but I cannot give you any information regarding your parents account.

(Really? That's news to me. Why haven't you mentioned that before?)

Andy: at 18:40:59
Not necessarily at this address, just in general.

Andy: at 18:42:39
If "any customer" at "any nonspecific address" alters their Mbps package, would that require a technician to visit? (I'm just asking about the general process. I am not looking for personally identifiable information.)

[employee]: at 18:43:04
It varies depending on what level of services you have now. I wish I could provide you more detailed information but without you being authorized I would not be able to assist you.

(Dude. I respect that you are obeying your company's policy and I am glad that you take seriously your job to protect private information, but I am not looking for a list of what shows they've watched this month.
Imagine I'm a "potential new customer". I'd like to know if I can get the 1.5 Mbps* package and, if I later decide that's not zippy enough for me, will I be able to "flip a switch" or will I need to wait between the hours of 8am and 3pm for some technician to come and... "flip a switch".

*A package which your advertisement boasts:
1.5 Mbps is perfect for:
• Email
• Surfing the internet
• Social Networking


By "surfing" I assume you mean "standing of a surf board while we poor cups of water over it".)

Andy: at 18:43:34
So, generally speaking, switching levels "may require" hardware changes.

Andy: at 18:43:54
Are there level switches that would not require a hardware update?

[employee]: at 18:44:34
That is correct, is there anything else I can assist you with today?

Andy: at 18:44:44
Apparently not without my father here. :(

[employee]: at 18:45:17
Have a good day Andy!