Point/Counterpoint

As you might imagine, divorce has been on my mind a lot recently. I decided to do some writing about it. I began with "Divorce is..." and this is where I went.

Divorce is:
- embarrassing.
You promised in front of God and everybody that you'd be with this person 'til death do you part... and now you're parting... and nobody's dead.
- scary.
It is uncharted water. You've never been divorced before. Sure, you've known people who were divorced, but they were always "those people"... now you're one of "those people".
- expensive.
Lawyers aren't cheep. Cutting your income in half stinks. And you don't actually give up half of your expenses... there had been some synergy to being on a combined income.
- stressful.
This is a major life event. There's a lot being decided about you and about your kids, some of which will be in effect forever*, so you better make sure you get it right. (*"Forever" kind of loses its power when you think back to that whole "'til death do us part" thing.)
- failure.
If you're someone who doesn't like to fail, divorce is a very hard pill to swallow.
- quitting.
Mm-kay. You can also quit smoking, drinking, or a terrible job... "Quitting" isn't inherently a "bad thing".
- wrong.
Sure, if you're a 100% orthodox Catholic, this might be a problem, but there's a good chance you're not actually in that camp so I don't need to start whipping out verses to prove that to you.
- ugly.
It can be... but it doesn't have to be.

Then, just for fun, I decided to use those same responses, but change the beginning of the sentence.

Not getting divorced is:
- embarrassing.
You go to a wedding, and you see the celebration of love, and the promise that this couple has... and you're not feeling it yourself... and you're afraid others might see that as well. You see a clip from an old episode of "The Newlywed Game" and the question is "How often do you ___?" (Could be smooch, buy flowers, 'hum-ina hum-ina', etc.) and you nervously think to yourself, you don't recall how long it's been.)
- scary.
There's still that ever-looming threat of divorce. You're effectively facing the world alone, and that's scary whether you're married or not... possibly more so while married, because you're doing it secretly.
- expensive.
This is a bit of a tougher one. There might be costs for counseling or possibly coping mechanisms to meet your own needs (such as "retail therapy"), but otherwise, the financial expense isn't always obvious. Now the emotional cost is quit real, but that's not really in the spirit of point/counterpoint.
- stressful.
Cognitive dissonance. Not looking forward to coming home or them coming home. If you mess something up, and now you're just waiting for the inevitable blame.
- failure.
There's clearly a problem, but there you are: failing to acknowledge; failing to act.
- quitting.
You're giving up on yourself. You've accepted that things are awful, but you're not going to do anything about it.
- wrong.
You're not doing what is right for you. You're not doing what is right for your partner. You're certainly not doing what is right for your children. You're setting a terrible example and demonstrating that an unhealthy and unhappy relationship is ok, tolerable, and normal.
- ugly.
A loveless marriage. Not valuing yourself enough to speak up when your needs aren't being met. Going through the motions until one of you finally dies. Actively disliking the other person. Private disagreements that creep out into public light occasionally, and the awkwardness around that.


I know this is ultimately the right thing to do and, eventually, things will get better, but, for now, I'm in the midst of the yuckiness. Things aren't going as quickly and smoothly as I had hoped (though I'm told this is typical). Things have gotten a little gross (which, I'm assured, is also normal and temporary). I'm really looking forward to it being done and behind me.

Thanks to my friends who have reached out to me. In my previous post, I mentioned the whole "not wanting to pry" thing, and I think I may have given the wrong tone. Psychology says that our favorite word is our own name. (Based on the parts of the brain that light up when we hear it.) In general, people like to talk about themselves. Sure, some things might not be so fun to talk about, but someone else showing an interest in you is always welcome. (Well, ruling out stalkers or unwanted attention... oh, counter examples... why must you haunt me?) Anyway, the point is, if you want to ask me something, but you're afraid you're prying -- ask. If, by some chance, it is more than I'd like to share, I can draw that line and just say I'd rather not say.

Objectively, I have first-hand access to an experience. It's something that, sadly, isn't extremely rare in our society, but it is something that many people I know haven't experienced first-hand (which is good) and here's your chance to learn about it (and hopefully avoid it). I'm not going to "dish dirt", but if you've got other questions, feel free to ask.

Also, feel free to "not ask". I have had over 37 years of life experiences and this divorce is just one of them. I don't want to be seen as "Andy, the guy who's always droning on and on about his divorce". I'm still "Andy, that math geek who is pretty excited about infinity" and "Andy, that guy who loves playing games" and "Andy, the dude who sticks things to his forehead and balances things on his chin"... I'm Andy!

Disclaimer: I take marriage seriously. Divorce is not something to be taken lightly. If you can avoid it, I recommend that. However, don't ignore it to the point of ignoring yourself.
If you're considering divorce, first off, my heart aches for you, but secondly, try to be honest with yourself and with your spouse. It should be an option on the table, but hopefully not the only option. (It really depends on how far along an unfavorable path you've already gone.)

Petersen's Pesky Pachyderm

(The elephant in the room.)

As you may have heard, Jen and I are getting divorced.
This type of news is "awkward and uncomfortable".
I suspect you may be feeling something along the lines of, "Well, shoot, that's very sad... I wish I could help... but I don't want to pry... Gee, this is awkward and uncomfortable."

Let me start by setting your mind at ease. There is no addiction or infidelity involved. Jen and I just grew apart and weren't demonstrating a loving relationship for the girls. Rather than "go through the motions" and "stick it out for the children" (which would actually be detrimental), we've decided to make the difficult choice.

First and foremost, we want the girls to know that they are loved and this is not their fault. (We've told them this, and continue to reiterate, but this is a major upheaval in their lives as well, so we must be ever mindful of how they're doing. (At the same time, they also don't need to be constantly reminded about painful things. Yes, their parents are getting divorced, but there are so many other things going on in their lives; we don't need to dwell on that.))

It is also important that we maintain a unified front. No good comes of anyone speaking ill of either parent, especially as observable by the girls. (Fun fact - The girls are more observant than one might think. Even if someone isn't "saying" negative things, a "general attitude" can be sensed by the girls.)

I am trying my best not to focus on blame nor harbor ill-will. Actively disliking anybody is a waste of energy: your life doesn't get any better and interactions with the other person only become more tenuous.

It is my hope that none of you have negative feelings for either of us. There needn't be a #TeamAndy vs. #TeamJen.

Some observations about myself:

- I am an introvert.
- I am quirky and have been known to be social awkward at times.
- I am going through a stressful and emotionally charged period.
- I may be preoccupied and possibly less-chipper than my baseline value.
- I know this is the right thing and, despite the current discomfort, I will establish a "new normal" and things will be good.
- I am in need of support from my friends and family, though I suspect "person going through a divorce" isn't generically high on anyone's "who would I like to hang out with" list.

 

Here are some over-simplified caricatures of the spectrum of friends:

- I went to school/church/camp/etc. with Andy. I never really knew him all that well, but he seemed nice enough. It's too bad that he's getting divorced, but, ultimately, this won't have an impact on my life.
- I knew Andy pretty well... but that was quite a while ago. It's a bummer that he's getting divorced. Maybe I'll drop him a line on Facebook. Hang in there, buddy.
- I know both Andy and Jen and this breaks my heart. Oh, the poor girls. This is just all around sad. I wish I could wrap them all up in a hug and let them know they are loved and it will all work out in the end.
- I never really knew Jen, but Andy and I go way back. If there's anything I can do to help, bro, just call.

Wherever you find yourself on that spectrum, that's fine.
I appreciate all of my friends.

I would like to apologize in advance if I am preoccupied or less-chipper than intended.

I know this is temporary, so thank you for your support and patience.

2014 Christmas Letter

2014 was a big year. Here are some of the highlights:

·         In January, the Imaginative Orange Pi Guys: Silver Edition (Ella's Lego League team) hosted a Davanni's Fundraiser as their team prepared to go to the State Tournament.

·         In February, said Lego League team won the Team Spirit award at State. Later that month, Jen played in a clarinet ensemble, Ella played piano (from memory), and Melanie was Andy's lovely assistant for his juggling routine in the church's talent show.

·         In March, Melanie turned 7, which was particularly exciting for the girls, as they are quite fond of the joke "Why is 9 afraid of 7? ... Because 7 'ate' 9."

·         In April, both girls had their first communion.

·         In May, I caught a marshmallow thrown over 40 feet by a stranger; it was delicious.

·         In June, Andy and Jen commemorated 15 years of marriage.

·         In July, Andy moved out.

·         In August, Ella turned 10. 10! Can you believe it?! Double-digits. Wow.

·         In September, Mike and Lee got married.

·         In October, Ella was a fairy princess, Melanie was a cowgirl, and Andy wore a "bowling shirt" with "BOSTON E Bowlers" on the back. ("Boston" was necessary to get the pronunciation correct... I was an E-bowler.)

·         In November, Andy got to share the excitement as Cory Springhorn was elected to City Council.

·         We are now in December, and looking back at another crazy year that's about to end.

From all of us me, to all of you: best wishes for 2015.

 

Andy

 

P.S. In the event that this letter leaves you with questions, might I suggest this blog entry:

Petersen's Pesky Pachyderm

Had I gone "100 years", I still wouldn't have made a "connection"...

info: at 18:15:50
Hello, my name is [employee], your [Internet Provider] TV and entertainment specialist. How may I assist you today?

[employee]: at 18:15:53

Hello and welcome to [Internet Provider]!  How may I assist you?

Andy: at 18:15:51

Good evening. I'm here at my parent's house and wanted to check what level of internet service they're getting.

[employee]: at 18:16:34

Sure!  Can I have the account number please?

Andy: at 18:17:39

I'm looking for it. Where would I find it on their bill?

[employee]: at 18:18:12

It should be located in the top corner of the bill.

Andy: at 18:19:29

[account number]

[employee]: at 18:20:29

Thanks!  To verify the account, could I please have your full home address?

Andy: at 18:20:35

[parents' address]

[employee]: at 18:21:10

Perfect!  Can I also get your first and last name?

Andy: at 18:21:34

The name on the account is [father's name]

[employee]: at 18:22:15

Can I have your first and last name please?

Andy: at 18:22:29

I'm Andy [last name]; [father]'s eldest son.

[employee]: at 18:23:44

I do apologize Andy, but I do not see your name listed on the account therefore I cannot give you any information on the account. 

Andy: at 18:24:35

I see. So you're not able to tell me which internet speed level they're enrolled in.

[employee]: at 18:25:18

I do apologize but I am not able to give you any information regarding this account.

Andy: at 18:25:58

Ok. Can you provide general information, such as what speed levels are even available in this part of [city]? That shouldn't be personal account information.

[employee]: at 18:27:19

Sure!  I will first need a full home address to see what speeds are available in your area?

Andy: at 18:27:39

[parents' address]

[employee]: at 18:28:13

one moment please.

[employee]: at 18:31:44

I do apologize, but since this address is listed on the account I will not be able to give you the speeds available at this address.  Your father can chat back in to get information on this account.

[employee]: at 18:31:54

Is there anything else I can assist you with today?

(You have yet to assist me. I believe "else" might be overstating it.)

Andy: at 18:32:16

Can you check speeds "in this general area". I'm just wondering if you even offer the 40 Mbps package.

[employee]: at 18:33:06

I would have to have a particular address to look up that information for you.

Andy: at 18:33:49

Ok. Hang on. I'll see if I can see one of the neighbor's addresses... hopefully they're not already customers.

(I wouldn't want to trouble you... at your computer terminal... Please allow me to physically go outside and find some house numbers.)

Andy: at 18:35:24

[neighbor's address]

Andy: at 18:36:00

This is a townhouse development, so you can also try: 11674, 11675, 11676, or 11677

Andy: at 18:36:25

(Those are the ones I could easily see from the driveway. I can get you other numbers if those are all existing customers.)

[employee]: at 18:37:24

Thanks Andy!  One moment while I look up these addresses for you!

[employee]: at 18:37:57

Can I have the zip code please?

(It's the same zip code as my parents' zip code. I know you know my parents' address because you're looking at the information you cannot tell me.)

Andy: at 18:38:20

[zip code]

[employee]: at 18:39:19

Up to 40mpbs is available to the address.  Is there anything else I can assist you with today?

Andy: at 18:40:17

If my parents did not have the 40 Mbps package, would there be any hardware changes required to upgrade them? (or to switch to any of the levels from whatever they're at.)

Andy: at 18:40:47

By which, I mean, generally speaking, is it something that could be done over the phone/online, or would a technician be involved.

[employee]: at 18:41:00

I do apologize but I cannot give you any information regarding your parents account.

(Really? That's news to me. Why haven't you mentioned that before?)

Andy: at 18:40:59

Not necessarily at this address, just in general.

Andy: at 18:42:39

If "any customer" at "any nonspecific address" alters their Mbps package, would that require a technician to visit? (I'm just asking about the general process. I am not looking for personally identifiable information.)

[employee]: at 18:43:04

It varies depending on what level of services you have now. I wish I could provide you more detailed information but without you being authorized I would not be able to assist you.

(Dude. I respect that you are obeying your company's policy and I am glad that you take seriously your job to protect private information, but I am not looking for a list of what shows they've watched this month.
Imagine I'm a "potential new customer". I'd like to know if I can get the 1.5 Mbps* package and, if I later decide that's not zippy enough for me, will I be able to "flip a switch" or will I need to wait between the hours of 8am and 3pm for some technician to come and... "flip a switch".

*A package which your advertisement boasts:
1.5 Mbps is perfect for:
• Email
• Surfing the internet
• Social Networking

By "surfing" I assume you mean "standing of a surf board while we poor cups of water over it".)

Andy: at 18:43:34

So, generally speaking, switching levels "may require" hardware changes.

Andy: at 18:43:54

Are there level switches that would not require a hardware update?

[employee]: at 18:44:34

That is correct, is there anything else I can assist you with today?

Andy: at 18:44:44

Apparently not without my father here. :(

[employee]: at 18:45:17

Have a good day Andy!

Cutting my losses

I had a fairly bizarre haircut yesterday. My stylist, shall we say, "wasn't on her game". In her defense, in the little bit of small talk at the beginning of my session, she did mention that it had been a very busy day and, when the adjacent stylist was trying to gage the estimated wait time, my barber shared that she’d not had her break yet.

There was very little talking beyond the initial pleasantries. (I’m not saying I minded. Often, barber chair talk is fairly formulaic and I’m ok with zoning out while they focus their attention on the task at hand.)

Speaking of focusing and hands… while trimming the top of my head with the scissors, she nicked herself. She initially said she'd be fine, but that she was most concerned with not wanting to bleed all over me. (A concern I appreciated and shared.) She continued to look at her finger and wince and then excused herself to the back room.

This is something I've never really thought about before, but I suppose inadvertent cuts are a very real occupational hazard when you cut hair for a living.

She returned and resumed my cut. A few minutes later... "Ouch!" She again excused herself.

The stylist at the next station was trying to make small talk to fill the awkward void of me sitting all alone in a barber chair with wet hair and a partial haircut, but she chose to mention that she knew someone who wound up needing stitches from a slip. (I'm not sure that actually made me feel any better.)

My stylist returned and she was able to finish my cut without additional incident.

When she was done cutting, she excused me to the sink for a rinse. After that, I returned to the chair and she used the blow drier for a bit, and then she was done.

She didn’t do the "place pointer fingers at the base of both sideburns to validate alignment” trick. She did not do the "how does this look" coupled with the hand mirror in the back maneuver. She did not do the "comb the bangs straight down to show how short they are and ask 'Is that short enough?'" She was just done.

Truth be told, I wasn't too eager to give a tired, clumsy, and forgetful barber another shot at me with sharp implements. It seemed best to cut my losses.

 

Here's a clip:

 

In the doghouse

My dog is getting old and I fear I am not able to provide him the care and attention that he needs. He's a 12 year-old neutered male Maltese. He has very few teeth left (though still eats small kibble mixed with a little water). His vision and hearing are suspect. He is house trained, thus nobody has to take him outside in the dead of winter, but he does have his share of "intentionals". (Those are like "accidents", but with premeditation.)

Jen has become allergic to him, so he's no longer allowed to sleep in our room. Due to the aforementioned "intentionals", he needs to be contained at night. He's got a small gated area, with his dog bed, his water dish, and a piddle pad, in the basement, but lately he's taken to barking... in the middle of the night... a lot. (To be clear, he also likes to bark in the daytime. In general, if he's separated from the pack, he's fond of vocalizing his discontent.)

I think he's lonely.

He's occasionally had nights not in his pen, and, though he doesn't bark, he has had an alarmingly high "intentional" rate.

Oh, how I wish I could reason with him. "Neo, if you promise not to pee on the floor, you can have free run of the entire house."

Alas, one cannot reason with a dog. So he's relegated to his pen.
When he barks, he gets put in his kennel and put out in our attached garage.
Whenever he's been in his kennel for a period of time, he invariably pees in there.

This leaves us with a stinky, barking dog, that my wife is allergic to, who, more often than he should, pees on the floor. This is not raising his stock value.

He needs a home where he can be free; where he's not separated from the pack. He doesn't require walks (his small stature ensures that running throughout the house is sufficient exercise). He likes nothing more than to sit in someone's lap, or right next to them in a large chair, or on one of his dog beds on the floor in a room with people. He's pretty friendly with people, though he doesn't take too kindly to being stepped on. He will occasionally "bite" at feet if you do catch his tail accidentally. (I put "bite" in quotes due to his lack of teeth.)

I don't want to kill my dog, but I'm afraid I can't keep him much longer.

Anybody have a contingent in your household rooting for getting a dog, but maybe others aren't so sure? Would you like to borrow Neo for a week or two, to test out if the kids will actually feed him and clean up after him, like they promise they will? (If it’s going well, this “trial period” could be extended indefinitely.)
Any retired, empty-nesters looking for a companion that doesn't require much maintenance?

I'd like to "send him to a farm, to happily live out the rest of his days".
Are you a "farmer"?

9... 10... D'oh!

We were trying to download a new song for Just Dance 2014 on the Wii and we got an error. The message said that, if this error continues to occur, go to a website.

The error continued.

I went to the website.

Searching for the error code, I found the "solution" was to call an 800-number.

I called that 800-number. (I must admit, the hold music was pretty enjoyable: various themes from the Zelda universe.)

I was finally connected with David. He was very pleasant, but wouldn't be able to fix my issue himself. He needed to open a ticket with the tech department. They would contact me within the next 1 to 2 business days.

Later that same day, I received an email. It had a different number to call.

I called that different number.

I was eventually connected with Casey. He asked for my reference number, which I provided, and then for the error code, which I also provided. (Though, I had expected that information to already be available to him, as he was, presumably, looking at my incident ticket at that point in time.)

He looked up the code and then proceeded to explain what this error means and how to "fix" it. He explained that some files had gotten corrupted and that this can often happen when people illegally modify their systems.

 

He asked if I had made such modifications.

 

I said that I had not (which, by the way, is the truth, though I suspect that question is fairly universally answered in the negative).

 

He then proceeded to explain "the solution": formatting the memory.

"This may result in the loss of data." (Uhm... not so much "may" if I'm doing a format.)

Playing dumb, I asked, "What about the files that I cannot move to the SD card?"

As expected, he indicated that those would be lost.

I wish I had a transcript of the conversation because I don't recall exactly when, but he did mention that this error is typically a result of people illegally modifying the system. That's all well and good... if I had modified my system, but, since I hadn't, the karmic slap in the face seems unwarranted.

Basically, I’m being accused of breaking the rules and then I’m going to lose all my data. Wow, way to make me feel like a valuable customer.

 

 

Epilogue: We later reattempted the download, and it worked. So, we haven't lost any data yet, but I'm fearful that there is a lingering problem that could rear its head at any moment.

Kids say... I need a Hero

Setup: Melanie(7) was reading an illustrated book of Marvel stories. She was listing off the various characters.
 
Melanie: Green Lamp, Red Robin, Batman, Superman, Lightning Fast-guy, the one with metal on him, and that guy who goes under water.
 

[Later, she is discussing the villains and, yes, she used the term "villains".]

 
Melanie: Lex Luther, the Brainy freeze guy, the clown, the one with two faces.

Kids say...

Setup: Melanie(6) is being fiercely independent. She's done some work around the house to earn some money and she’s decided to spend some of it. So, we all go to Chipotle: she is going to purchase her very own hard shell.
When we're just about to the front of the line, I realize that I’ve left my wallet in the car.

Andy: I'll be right back.
Melanie (disappointed): But, Dad… You're going to miss me buy my taco.

Ok... this didn't actually happen, but it made me smile.

"Search" engine

We have a system that stores documents regarding how to deal with various incidents we encounter.

This system has a “search function” that allows you to enter a “search string” and it will return “search results”, ranked by a score indicating how closely the resulting item matched the “search string”. It will also highlight which characters in the result were found to match.

Below are the details from a recent search. You are seeing the1st, 2nd, and 40th “best matches”.

Search for:
Task 'TWINVAP004#II21EBM0100D' abnormal in process 'TWINVAP004#IDailyTestEQBM'

Score Title
100  Computer is loud or making strange sounds.
99  Cursor not responding in Windows
93 Task 'TWINVAP100#I21EBM0100D' abnormal in process 'TWINVAP100#IDailyTestEQBM'

In case it’s a bit hard to see with them so far apart, here are the search string and the “40th best match” shown directly above one another. (Red denotes differences.)
Task 'TWINVAP004#II21EBM0100D' abnormal in process 'TWINVAP004#IDailyTestEQBM'
Task 'TWINVAP100# I21EBM0100D' abnormal in process 'TWINVAP100#IDailyTestEQBM'

"Thank you" for your "support"

Below is the automated reply, in its entirity, from a website:

 ## Reply ABOVE THIS LINE to add a note to this request ##

Thank you for your inquiry. Your request has been received and is being reviewed by our support staff. Please note the information below as it will allow you to track the progress of your request online.

________________________________________

Hmm. Given the "information below", I'm concerned about the potential "progress of [my] request".

Calling ahead

This note is about a store with which I am generally happy, though this particular note is somewhat disparaging, so I'm removing the specific name: They Are Really Great... Excluding This.

Dear “Convenient Pharmacy”,

If my daughter is sick enough that I'm willing to interrupt my normal work schedule to take her in to see a doctor, it seems reasonable to conclude that I'm interested in her getting better. The fact that the physician has prescribed medication indicates that we are actively looking for solutions to a situation.

It is frustrating to arrive at the pharmacy counter after the appointment wherein a prescription was sent to you and, regardless of how much time has passed between leaving the clinic and arriving at your counter, you are "just now" finding out about the prescription. The entire point of sending it ahead of time is that you can have it ready.

However, invariably, when I finally get to the front of the line, the person always gives me a blank stare, has to wander over to the baskets, then to a second set of baskets, then checks a few more counters, then asks a few of the other people "have you seen the 'Smith' order?", then they go to another terminal, and finally they pull it up. "Oh, it just came through. It will be about 20 minutes."
 
20 minutes?!?
 
It took more than 20 minutes to get here from the clinic. I have a sick child. She is uncomfortable and in need of medication. We want to get the medicine in her as soon as possible to begin the road to recovery. Why have you not been working on this until now?

So, I wander around the store with my sick child for about 20 minutes and then return. At least the clerk recognizes my face, though not the last name, but he knows why I'm there. He goes back to a counter and says "Ok, we just need to mix it up."

Mix it up?!?

What were you doing for the past 20 minutes? Do you really think that, after our first encounter, I'm going to decide my child is no longer sick and just leave the store, never to return again? This medicine is to be stored at room temperature. It can sit on your counter just as well as it can sit on mine. I am to shake vigorously before each dose, so, even if it were to settle out a bit, waiting for my return (which should be within 20 minutes), it won't affect the potency of the medicine. It will be sitting on my counter for 4 days!
 
And then, you need to give me a consult. Really?!? My daughter is 6 and my eldest is 9. We've dealt with liquid medicine before. In fact, we've been in to this very clinic before… for this very same child…  for this very same medicine. While I appreciate the "option" of a consult, should I have any questions, if there's nothing out-of-the-ordinary, please don't introduce another delay into this process. So long as the label clearly indicates the dose amount and frequency, whether or not to refrigerate it, and whether or not to take it with food, I should be good.
 
Analogous situation:
Me: Hello, Fictitious Pizza Palace? Yeah. I'd like to order some take out.
FPP Employee: Alright, what’ll it be?
Me: Can I get 2 large, original curst pepperoni pizzas?
FPP Employee: Sure thing. Your total comes to $10. It will be about 20 minutes.
Me: Great.
[20 minutes pass, during which, I have driven to Fictitious Pizza Palace.]
Me: Hello, I'm here to pick up my order.
FPP Employee: Ok, sir. One moment please.
[Goes back to where the kitchen.]
[Returns.]
FPP Employee: Alright, we just need to bake it. I will be another 15 to 20 minutes, ok?

It is Tuesday

Monday had finally come to a close, so I crawled into bed to sleep for the night.

Later, I was awoken by Melanie.

"Daddy," she not-so-whispered. "Can you tuck me in?"

I groggily lumbered out of bed and into her room. I tucked her in and rubbed her back for a while.

"It's time to go to sleep," I said softly and kissed her on her forehead. "Good night, sweetie."

I walked back to my room and crawled into bed to sleep for the night.

Again, I was awoken by Melanie.

"Daddy," she stage-whispered. "My bed's cold. Can you tuck me in?"

"Perhaps if you'd stay in it...," I thought to myself as I rolled out of bed and kind of limped into her room.

She snuggled in as I tucked the blanket all around her. I gently rubbed her back, warming and soothing her.

"It's time for sleep, princess." I said in a hushed voice. "Good night, sweetie."

I somewhat sleepwalked back to my room and crawled into bed to sleep for what was left of the night.

Not too surprisingly, I dreamt of sleeping. And of waking up.

What felt like only a few moments later, my alarm clock went off. It was time for work.

From my sleepy state, by my recollection, I had "gone to bed" on Monday night and had subsequently "crawled into bed to sleep for the night" 2 more times, plus the time I slept and woke in the dream, so, as I got up for the day, it felt like it ought to be Friday.

It is Tuesday.

I'm 29*

Here are some potential responses to the question: How old are you?

• 29... I was just thinking about a perfect cribbage hand and, sure enough, it's worth 29 points. I'm sorry, did you say something?
• I'm 29... well "techinically" 29 and 26 quarters, but let's not concern ourselves with fractions.
• I'm 29. Wait, you did just ask my choir robe number*, right?
• I'm 29. (Base 13, though not common, is still valid.)
• I'm 29... hang on, I think I might be counting leap years wrong. Oh well, close enough.
• I'm 29 yrs old. (Note: "yr", pronounced "yeer", is a unit (I just made up) equal to 1 29th of the time between July 12th, 1977 and today.)

 

* Ok, my choir robe number is actually 36, but one could think of some grouping in which one is the 29th enumerated member.

My mind's messing with me

My alarm went off. I hit snooze and crawled out of bed. I stepped into my slippers as I turned the alarm off for the day. I reached to unplug my iPod... but it wasn't there.

"That's odd," I thought to myself. "I'm pretty sure I plugged it in last night."

I went into the bathroom to get dressed for work. Using the light of my cell phone (which was in the place I had left it) I scanned the counters and "alternate iPod resting locations"... but found nothing.

Fully dressed, I walked back into the bedroom. Again guided by the glow of my cell phone, I surveyed the night stand -- empty. I did a sweep of the bed and -- there it was. Both electronic devices in hand, I crept back out of the bedroom.

The iPod was fully charged, which wouldn't have been the case if I had accidentally not plugged in and somehow left it in bed whilst I slept. I don't recall my alarm having gone off twice (though that doesn't rule out the possibility), however, even if I had hit snooze the first time and fallen back to sleep, I don't remove the iPod until I'm standing; so how did it get in bed, fully-charged?

I'm over 90% certain that I had plugged it in the night before. I remember then taking the iPad, which was lying in my spot, and bringing it around to Jen's night stand. The walk around the bed was enough that my bladder decided I'd need one last stop in the bathroom before attempting slumber. I returned to bed and went to sleep.

It is possible (though not particularly probable) that someone (or something?!) relocated my iPod while I was in the bathroom at night and then returned it to my bed when I was in the bathroom this morning. But who (or what)would do that? Did I wake up in the middle of the night, thinking it was morning, thus unplugging it, then, upon realizing my mistake, went back to bed with it in my hand? I have gotten up too early in the past, but that usually is remembered.

It seems my mind is playing tricks on me. Or perhaps something was changed in the Matrix. That would explain the black cat that walked by twice.

My voice is my passport. Verify me.

I have at least 13 distinct user ids based on "Andrew John Petersen" (that I recall... which is to say nothing about my spam accounts or systems where ids are generated for you using an iterative approach). They generally involve some combination of the following (any of which could be skipped and between any of which there might be periods, dashes, or underscores):
- Prefix (single character, site code, title, iterative number, etc.)
- First name (either full, nickname, substring, or initial)
- Middle name (either full, nickname, substring, or initial)
- Last name (either full, nickname, substring, or initial)
- Suffix (single character, site code, title, iterative number, etc.)

So, when I try to access a site or system for which I know I have an id, the first challenge is figuring out which combination I use in this specific case.

Once I've determined that, I must figure out which password is used.

Assume, as an example, that my desired password is "football". Here are some restrictions I've actually encountered, and an example of the password I might use instead:
a) must contain an uppercase and lowercase letter. --> Football
b) must contain a number. --> f00tball
c) must contain a special character. --> footb@ll
d) must be between 6 and 8 characters. --> football
e) must not contain consecutive digits. --> football
f) must not contain more than 2 sets of repeated characters. --> futbol
And, of course, these rules can be combined.
F00tb@ll would comply with a, b, c, d, and e -- but fails f.
Futb0l would meet a, b, d, e, and f -- but fails c.
I could throw an exclamation point on the end, assuming the site allows them, but the point is that I very quickly have multiple sites/services where I know my password is "football"... but I just don't know how I spelled it.

Some of the rules make sense. I can see wanting to enforce mixed case (a) and alpha-numeric (b) as that brings the character set up to 62 (26 + 26 + 10). Special characters (c) are a mixed bag, as some characters are fine in some systems and disallowed in others.

But requiring a specific length of password (d)? That provides a smaller field of options.

Must not contain consecutive digits (e)? I can see not wanting to allow 12345 (this isn't some idiots luggage), but I once had a password that contained a twelve, which I expressed as "12". Unfortunately, one and two are consecutive digits, so I couldn't use twelve. That's just lame.

Not more than one set of repeated characters (f)? Again, this limits the options, which is the opposite of heightened security. Yeah, you don't want someone to have a string of 8 qs (or qqqq if they're being witty), but "bookkeeper" shouldn't be out of the running... well, unless it's obvious that you like words with lots of double letters, or you happen to be a bookkeeper, but that's not really the point.

All of these different rules eventually result in many people writing down their user ids and passwords, which is the number 1 no-no in terms of security. That brings me to the topic of security questions... but that's a topic for another post.

Defaulty Behavior

Say what you will about Microsoft, but the fact remains that their operating system and suites of applications are quite prevalent. These apps do many thing well, but some things are downright stupid. Often, applications attempt to "be helpful," assuming a course of action the user might have wanted to take. Typically, there's a pop-up indicating such helpfulness, and the user has the option to select whether or not to accept this assistance. (e.g. Closing an unsaved document... would you like to save? [Oh, yes. Thank you.] Typing "Sund"... do you mean Sunday? [Why, yes. You've just saved me 2 keystrokes {minus the 1 for hitting enter, so really, just 1 key... and you interrupted me in the process... but it's the thought that counts.}])

One generally accepted practice amongst GUI designers is to make the default option either the "most common" or the "least dangerous". With that in mind, I now ask what you think the best default behavior ought to be upon double-clicking a shortcut that doesn't currently point to a target. Such a situation could arise if an executable were moved (either intentionally or not), if a drive was not mapped (either intentionally or not), or if the shortcut path were updated (either intentionally or not). So say, for example, the shortcut is to an application that's on a network drive and, for some reason, you're not connected to the network when you tried to launch a program -- what would make the most sense as a default behavior?

If you said "delete the shortcut" then you've got a promising career out in Silicon Valley...

 

Really?!? You can't find where the shortcut points, so the "obvious choice" is to simply delete it?

Allow me to take this line of thinking to come comedically hyperbolistic analogous situations.
Your document won't print. Seems the printer is out of paper... should I go ahead and delete the document?
It seems you dialed a wrong number... would you like me to destroy your phone?
I notice your car won't start... shall I blow it up?

Thanks, but no thanks.

Disorienting morning

I am asleep.

Suddenly, I am compelled to hit the snooze button on my alarm.

Tired, I open my eyes and see an even number hour followed by 00. It is silent, but it would be after hitting snooze. It feels way too early, but that's often the case in the morning. I'm still making my groggy departure from dreamland when my mind reprocesses the hour, "Wait a second... that's a 4, not a 6."

In a sleepy state, my mind tries its best to figure out what's happened. "Did I dream my alarm and then physically hit the snooze button? Am I dreaming now? Did my alarm get reset to 4 instead of 6?" I test this third theory, hitting the 'set alarm' button and confirming that it was still set for 6:00. I let go of the button and the clock showed 4:00 again.

"Ok, so my alarm wasn't changed...  Did Jen poke me because I was snoring and my sleeping brain took that stimulus and responded with 'hit your alarm'?"

At this point I can't be sure 'why' I awoke at 4am, but I am sure that I *am* awake at 4am, and that's no fun. However, I also know that it is 'only' 4am, so I get to go back to sleep.

Seconds later, Melanie semi-sleepwalks into the room. ("Did she make a noise getting out of bed and *that* woke me up?" "Shut up, brain! You're trying to sleep!" "Oh, right. Sorry.") I pull Melanie into bed and set her between Jen and me. Mel snuggles in and goes to sleep. I, on the other hand, now need to go to the bathroom, as all this thinking and moving has initiated the "time to get up" launch sequence. ("Stupid bladder. We're trying to sleep." "Sorry.")

On my way back to bed, I'm desperately hoping that the dog doesn't think he should join in all this fun. Thankfully, he remained silent.

All too soon I experience stimulus and am compelled to hit the snooze button on my alarm.

"Dang it," I think. It's actually 6:00 this time.

FED up. EXpletive deleted.

I was expecting a package to be delivered. On Monday, when I came home from work, I saw, on my dark green front door, a starkly contrasting white sticker, stating that the delivery person had stopped by, but nobody was present to sign for the package. This was their 1st attempt and they would return for the next 2 business days. It denoted the time of the attempt, 12:25 pm, and described the delivery in the cleverly cryptic code: 2 phones.

My options were to either drive to their warehouse to pick it up myself (which somewhat defeats the purpose of having something delivered) or, to sign the sticker and post it on my door, which would grant them permission to leave my "2 phones" at my door and admonish them of any responsibility for loss, theft, or damage.

Not excited about the prospect of placing a sticker on my door that essentially announces that I will be away from my home all day and that there will be "2 phones" on my steps at some point in the afternoon, but unable to get to the warehouse before they close, and hoping to get this package sooner than later, I decided to proceed with the signed sticker option. They had placed the sticker on the center of my door, slightly below eye level. I decided to place my response in the "slightly less obvious for passers-by" upper right-hand corner. My storm door is mostly window, but the outside edge is opaque, and partially shielded the sticker.

When I returned home on Tuesday, I found a new sticker at eye level on the storm door. It featured the same driver code, a slightly later time, 1:15 pm, a check box in the "2nd attempt" box, and once again requested my signature. Assuming that this driver does not have a gun that can shoot door tags from the street, it would seem that they came all the way up to my door. Presumably, their records would indicate that they should look for a tag on my door. Now, in their defense, there were no stickers on my storm door, but, as you might recall from the first paragraph, their initial communication was posted on my green door, not the storm door. If they had opened the storm door (which they clearly had done on Monday), and were looking on the green door (the very same door on which they posted their sticker) for a sticker bearing my signature, I would be in possession of my "2 phones" (barring, of course, any petty theft subsequent to drop off).

Instead, I am still "2 phone"-less and once again had a sign on the front of my house announcing "nobody's here during business hours". Once again unable to travel to the warehouse before it closed, I was forced to wait another day.

Today, before heading off to work, I put both signed stickers on my green door. Once again slightly obscured by the storm door, however this time placed a bit more to the middle and, with 2 door stickers, hopefully less miss-able.

Will I find a 3rd sticker, perhaps left in my driveway, as the driver couldn't be troubled to go all the way to my door, in fear of actually finding my signature and making the delivery? Will I find my "2 phones"? Will I find no phones, but a set of fresh tracks through the snow from some thief who now has my packages? Tune in next time for the exciting conclusion of 'The Little Delivery Person that Could'.

California Dreamin'

I'm driving alone in my car somewhere (the destination isn't important). On the radio, the Mamas and the Papas are singing California Dreamin'. Suddenly, Jen touches my cheek and mumbles something.

Zap!

Instantly, I find myself in bed. I had been dreaming.
I shot up to sitting (just like they do in the movies) and try to assess the situation:
- I was asleep.
- Music was playing in my dream.
- Jen woke me.
"Oh dear," I thought. "I must have overslept, and the alarm has been playing long enough that my mind had incorporated it into my dream and Jen is now trying to wake me so that she can catch a few more minutes of sleep while I scurry off, late to work."

In the very same moment that I'm feeling panic, I realize that the song has stopped. I look to my left - the clock reads 5:45 (my alarm is set for 6:00). I look to my right - Jen is fast asleep, though it appears she has rolled over and her hand is now resting on my pillow.

"Crap!" I think to myself with an exclamation point. I am now exhausted and have adrenaline coursing through my veins.

On the one hand, I'm grateful that Melanie would have let me sleep through to my alarm. (The fact that she kept me up until 2:00 probably had something to do with her subsequently uninterrupted span of slumber.) But, at the same time, I once again find my sleep having been abruptly cut short. Well, at least it's not a Monday, Monday - can't trust that day.

February 2, 2014: Kids say...aren't you ready for some football?!

Setup: We are watching the Super Bowl. We now join a conversation already in progress.

Jen: ... they would have gotten a touchdown.
Ella: What's a touchdown?
Melanie (indignantly): Ella?!? Literally?

July 30, 2013: Kids say...urgent matter to attend to

Setup: It is "get ready for bed” time. No, it's a little past “get ready for bed” time. Melanie(6) is ever so slowly progressing down the bed readiness path when she comes into the kitchen wherein Andy is washing the dishes.

Melanie (importantly/matter-of-factly): Daddy, I need to call GraMarie immediately.
Andy: Why?
Melanie (waiving a pencil with an "isn't it obvious" look on her face): See? [pause] GraMarie's pencil. [pause] She needs it.

June 25, 2013: Kids say...Ella hulk

Setup: Ella (8) is doing something against the rules. She's being calmly called out on it and this is not sitting well with her. She's starting to put up a stink, but daddy continues to repeat whatever rule happens to be in play in this case.

Ella: You don't want me to get mad... and I'm getting mad. [angry scowl]

To my knowledge, she is unaware of the Incredible Hulk at this point. I believe she developed this sentiment on her own.

May 18, 2013: Kids say...disproof

Setup: Getting ready for bed. Melanie (6) is stalling. She asked Jen where she got a tennis ball.

Jen: Magic.
Melanie: No, mommy. It wasn't magic. Daddy got it for you. I'm going to ask Daddy.
(Daddy overheard this exchange.)
(Melanie enters her bedroom.)
Melanie: Daddy, where did Mommy get the tennis ball?
Daddy: It was magic.
Melanie: There's no such thing as "people magic". Only "fairy magic"... and mom is not a fairy.

Q.E.D. :)

April 19, 2013: Kids say...notes from Ella

Setup: Ella (8) is in the 3rd grade. One of her responsibilities is to make her lunch for school. She can do most of it by herself, but has yet to attempt knife-work, so the cutting of the bread or the slicing of the cheese still falls to me.

I get home from work and find that Ella has hand written 2 notes for me in orange marker and hung them from the cabinets where I'm sure to see them.

Note 1:
Make me cheese!
Make me cheese!
Make me cheese!
Make me cheese!
Make me cheese!
 N O W!

Note 2:
Put it on a
sandwich! Put it
on my sandwich
Put it on my sandwich
 DO IT!
-Noella

February 4, 2013: Kids say...Super Bowl

Setup: Super Bowl Sunday. The girls are finishing up their dinner while the pre-game festivities are wrapping up. They've just announced the teams (Ravens vs 49ers).

Ella (earnestly): You mean the Vikings aren't in the Super Bowl?
Andy (reassuringly): No sweetie. Not this year.

January 16, 2013: Kids say...glare impaired

Setup: We are having lunch. Ella(8) has had a difficult morning. She's generally grumpy and I've said something that she doesn't like. (Logistical setup: Jen is out shopping, so I'm sitting in mommy's seat, which puts the large picture window behind me. It is a sunny day.)

Ella (grumpy voice; sulking face): I can't see you. I want to glare at you, but I can't because of the light.

January 11, 2013: Kids say...Melanie'ism

Setup: We were watching Brave. At one point, the scene showed a bow and some arrows. Melanie(5.75) made a comment about the show.

Melanie: ... arrows and an arrow blaster.

Just another Melanie-ism. I love the way her mind works.

December 23, 2012: Kids say...children's sermon

Setup: Children's sermon at church. Melanie(5.5) and Ella(8) both went up to listen.

Pastor Michelle: Who loves you?
Kids (collectively): Mommy. Daddy. Grandma. Grandpa. Brothers and sisters.
(pause)
Pastor Michelle: Anyone else?
Ella: My piano teacher.

Unfortunately, Heather Nelson was out of the sanctuary preparing for the next musical piece.

December 23, 2012: Kids say...Melanie'ism

Setup: It's December 21st. We will be having the Gravdahl Christmas gathering on the 23rd. Melanie(5.5) is aware of this. We are riding home in the van.

Melanie (singing): Only 2 days until fake Christmas...

There's no particular tune to this number, but I love that she's coined the term "fake Christmas". :)

November 19, 2012: Kids say...Worst. Hiding place. Ever.

Setup: It is a Wednesday evening at church. Ella (8) is at piano. Melanie (5) is playing Hide and Seek with Jen and me. We've limited our play area to the social hall and the open space outside the main office. There are very few actual places to hide. It is Melanie's turn and both mommy and daddy are to hide.

Andy [Lays on some chairs around a circular table, hoping the chairs on the other side are making a barrier.]
Melanie: Ready or not, here I come.
[enters the room]
Melanie: Found you, daddy. Worst; hiding place; ever.

So far as I know, she has never been introduced to Comic Book Guy. I'm not sure where she picked up the phrase, but it was perfectly executed.

September 27, 2012: Kids say...not Iowa

Setup: We are watching the Olympics. The announcer stated that the current competitor is from Ireland. Melanie (5) misheard this and proclaimed the following.

Melanie: I'm so not cheering for Iowa.

This is fun on a few levels. First, Melanie was a bit jingoistic in her cheering in general so this wasn't her first dig at another "country". Secondly, the interchangeability of states and countries. And thirdly, the dig on our neighboring state.

September 17, 2012: Kids say...prank call

Setup: Melanie (5) is reading an Arthur book. One of the characters is making prank phone calls.

Melanie (reading): Is your refrigerator working? You better go catch it. [laughter].

At this point in her reading development, she’s fully capable of sounding out words, but much prefers to use context clues and memory to guess what the words should be. Useful skills, to be sure, but she does need to hone her “actual reading” ability as well. In this case, I’m guessing is that she remembered the story having been read to her before. “Running” and “working” are functionally equivalent in the isolated sentence. After the second sentence, you laugh. Nice try, sneaky one, but I’m wise to your ways.

August 13, 2012: Kids say...orthodontic appliance

Setup: Melanie(5) has an "orthodontic appliance" (which, by the way, is a particularly cute thing for a 5 year old with said appliance to tell you). We are in the van, headed to a relative's house and, for seemingly no specific reason, she asks the following.

Melanie: Can God understand me with this thing in my mouth?

July 18, 2012: Kids say...Melanie'isms

Setup: We're going for our evening walk/bike ride. Melanie (5 - and without training wheels, btw) stops at the corner as instructed.

<A car comes to the intersection and turns, without a signal.>
Melanie [indignant]: That car didn't use it's turning whistle.

I share this story mostly to capture the Melanie-ism "Turning whistle." Another one I didn't witness first-hand, and thus, don't have an accurate transcript for, is "Northern Python" -- that is the type of fish Uncle Dan was trying to catch up at Brookside. :)

March 25, 2012: Kids say...Pie Jesu

Setup: Ella (7) and Melanie (5) are sitting in a pew with Grandpa Vince. Jen and Heather Nelson are singing Pie Jesu (and knocking it out of the park, by the way).

Melanie: (Clearly mouthing the Latin in synch with Jen.)
Noella: (Looks up from her activity book and stares at Jen, jaw drops, and a big beaming smile is plastered on her face.)

March 5, 2012: Kids say...date tricks

Setup: Noella(7) is doing some homework.

Noella: Dad, what's the date today?
Andy: March 4th.
<Noella writes on her paper.>
Noella: Dad... if it were 2005, the date would be “counting”: 3/4/5.
Andy: Nice observation. When will we have a "counting day" this year?
<Noella thinks for a while.>
Noella: October 11th.
Andy: Good job. And next year?
<Short pause.>
Noella: November 12th.
Andy: And the next year?
<Almost no pause.>
Noella: December 13th.
Andy: And what about the next year?
Noella: There isn't one.
Andy: That's right. This is pretty special, isn't it?
Noella: Yeah.
<Brief pause.>
Andy: What's special about today?
Noella: It's Sunday?
Andy: No, I mean about the numbers.
Noella [puzzled]: They add up to 7?
Andy: That's true, but can you use 3 and 4 to get to 12?
Noella [epiphany]: 3 times 4 is 12. And 4 times 3 is also 12.

I love that Ella is "seeing math in the wild". It's not unexpected, given both nature and nurture, but it still brings a smile to my face.

August 26, 2011: Kids say...just the facts, ma'am

Setup: Ella(7.000. It's her birthday!) and Melanie(4.5 or "almost 5" if you hear her say it) have discovered a bird that flew into our window and now lays dead on our driveway.

[All said completely factually. No sorrow. Just the facts, ma'am.]
Melanie: The bird is cute... but he's dead.
Melanie: He should be in heaven... but he's in our hopscotch.
Melanie: I want to play hopscotch.

It was touch-and-go for a moment there. It had never really occurred to me that Melanie probably thinks her entire dog is in heaven. I'm not quite sure she'd grasp the concept of a soul yet.

July 25, 2011: Kids say...allergy envy

Setup: We had just returned from a visit to a house with cats. Noella (6) appears to have a cat allergy (just like mommy). Melanie (4) approaches daddy and asks:

Melanie: Daddy are you allergic to cats? 'Cause mommy and Ella are and I'm feeling kinda left out.

July 17, 2011: Kids say...This Little Light of Mine

Setup: Noella (6) and Melanie (4) were singing "This Little Light of Mine"

Both [singing]: Don't let Saint Nick pbbt it out. I'm gonna let it shine.
Andy [after they've finished]: Girls, it's actually "Satan", not "Saint Nick".
<They continue singing. Later, Ella stops and announces:>
Ella: Actually Saint Nick makes sense. He doesn't like fire.

June 23, 2011: Kids say...no wonder I'm so tired

Setup: Jen had just come upstairs to get ready for bed. She discovers that Ella (6) has been awake a few times with diarrhea (but has managed to deal with it silently -- what a trooper). Ella is very concerned about missing a VBS field trip.

Noella: Mommy, even if I wasn't sick, I couldn't go, because it's after 9:30...
Jen: Oh, sweetie. It's 10:30 at night. Mommy hasn't even gone to bed yet.
Noella: Oh... No wonder I'm so tired.

June 21, 2011: Kids say...dog hug

This following was equal parts disturbing and hilarious.

Setup: Melanie (4) is playing with Neo, our 9 year old, 6 pound, neutered, Maltese.

Melanie [pats the floor]: 'whistles' (says "whoo-hoo").
<Neo approaches, climbs on Melanie's leg... and begins humping.>
Melanie [giggling]: He's hugging my leg.

Oh, sweetie. I suppose he is. It seems Neo may be trying his luck raising stock on the dominance hierarchy. We'll put an end to that, but seeing that 6 pound ball of furry fury... so wrong, but so funny.

June 8, 2011: Kids say...does anybody really know what time it is?

Setup: Melanie (4) is getting ready for bed.

Melanie: Daddy, what time is it?
Andy: I can't see the clock from here.
Melanie (looks at digital clock): I can. It says Fifth twenty-one... I mean... seven twenty-eight... I mean... I don't know how to read a clock.

June 3, 2011: Kids say...a message from mommy

Setup: It's an on-call day and I'm working in the basement. Jen had been up in the middle of the night, but was asleep when my alarm went off. I am trying to keep the girls quiet. Melanie (4) is sitting with me while I work. I reach a point in my tasks where I'm almost ready to head into the office.

Andy: Ok, sweetie. It's time to go upstairs. Daddy wants to check on mommy.
Melanie: Mommy wants to sleep until 7:30...
Andy: Well, it's after 7:30 now.
Melanie: ... she told me to tell you that.
Andy: Oh. But you didn't tell me that.
Melanie: I did now.
Andy: Thank you, dear. Did she want me to wake her up at 7:30?
Melanie: No.
Andy: But she told you to tell me that she wants to sleep?
Melanie: No.
Andy: Ok. Let's try again. When you went into mommy's room, what did she say?
Melanie: She wanted to sleep until 7:30.
Andy: Did she say anything else?
Melanie: No.
Andy: So, she didn't ask you to tell me?
Melanie: No, she did ask me to tell you.
Andy: So, she did ask you to tell me?
Melanie: Yes.
Andy: Did she tell you anything else?
Melanie: No.
Andy: Are you sure?
Melanie: Yes.

I know I don't have the exact exchange, as we looped through a few more times, but that's the basic flavor of it. I would have loved her to have answered "third base" at some point in there.

May 19, 2011: Kids say...I don't think that means what you think it means

Setup: The girls are eating dinner. I'm in the kitchen preparing more food.

Melanie (4) [out of the blue and matter-of-factly]: Daddy, you have a big crotch.
Andy: Excuse me?!?
Melanie [politely]: You have a big crotch. <pause> Crotch means "butt."
Andy: Oh... so, you're saying I have a big butt?
Melanie [happily]: Yeah.
Andy: Thank you.
Melanie: You're welcome.

April 18, 2011: Kids say...You're wrong, daddy

Setup: The girls are getting out of the car at home.

Melanie: Who is Jesus' sister? (or "Does Jesus have a sister?" or something about Jesus and his sister.)
Andy: Jesus doesn't have a sister.
Melanie: You're wrong daddy. I'm Jesus' sister.
Andy: Oh?
Melanie: When they put the water on our head... we were brothers and sisters of Jesus.
Andy: Wow.
Melanie: We're in God's family and Ella and I are Jesus' sister.

I love that she's paying attention in church. I love how confidently she announced "you're wrong daddy" (Though, I hope that argument isn't over-generalized.) :)

April 18, 2011: Kids say...philosophical stalling

Setup: It's after bedtime. Melanie (4) has gotten up to use the bathroom. This is one of several stalling techniques she's employed at this point.

Melanie: Can God see us even when we potty?
Andy [not an exact transcript]: Well, sweetie. God can see everybody all the time. I don't think God is staring at you while you potty, but God *is* everywhere. You can talk to God anytime you want. Some people even pray on the potty, because they're alone with God. [I then steered conversation to prayer, which is something that is often done in bed... which is where you're supposed to be right now... please wash your hands and get back to bed.]

April 4, 2011: Kids say...the Force is strong with this one

This was a "do" rather than a "say".
Setup: We are walking to our car in a parking lot. Jen is holding hands with Melanie (4) and Ella (6) and I are a little way behind them. There's an opening in the line of cars close to the building, so Jen and Mel start to cross.

As they are crossing, there is a car approaching slowly from Mel's side. She holds up her hand in a stiff arm position to ward off the car.

It was just so cute to see this small little girl commanding a giant car to be still. She didn't panic. She didn't stop. She just held Jen with one hand, and the car at bay with the other.

March 17, 2011: Kids say...not quite "the talk"

Setup: Melanie (4 days from 4) and Noella (6) are talking with Jen. The topic turned to why daddy only has a brother (and not a sister).

Jen: ... God picked those two boys for GraMarie and Papa, because they would be good parents for those two boys. And God gave us two girls, because that was perfect for us. You're a miracle.
Melanie: How did God put us here? Did he put us through the roof?
Jen : No sweetie. You didn't go through the roof. You grew in mommy's tummy.
<brief pause>
Melanie: But how does God put a baby in your tummy, mommy?
<brief pause>
Noella: I don't think anybody knows that part.
<brief pause>
Melanie: I think mommy and daddy know.
<brief pause>
Jen was able to give an answer that they accepted that didn't really get into the mechanics.

Each of those pauses was filled simultaneously with the desire to bust out laughing as well as the awkward concern of trying to determine how much we need to explain to a 4 year old who just asked if God puts babies through roofs. It's cute that Melanie seems to be further along this path. (I'm curious how soon she'll question the logistics of a magical candy-bearing bunny.) :)

March 8, 2011: Kids say...good answer

Setup: We're discussing family relationships. Noella (6) had initiated the conversation, though Melanie (4) is within earshot.

Jen (to Ella): What makes a great grandmother?
Melanie: God.

January 24, 2011: Kids say...the ball game

Setup: The girls are taking turns playing Wii Fit Plus. Melanie(3.75) is next.

Melanie: I want to play the ball game.
Andy: This one? (Highlighting Soccer Headding [heading soccer balls].)
Melanie: No... The ball game.
Andy: Oh. This one? (Highlighting Table Tilt [rolling marbles into holes].)
Melanie(a bit frustrated): No, daddy. The *ball game*. The one next to it.
[Inigo Montoya: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.]
Andy: This one?!? (Highlighting Ski Jump.)
Melanie(satisfied): Yes. That one.

And suddenly it all makes sense... When she ski jumps, she never times the jump correctly, so her character rolls down the hill... in a giant snowball. And that's the ball game.

January 6, 2011: Kids say...Fairy Riddler

Setup: Bedtime. Reading "Dear Tooth Fairy" with Melanie(3.75). She's pulled out the little fold up Fairy Riddler and is trying her best to quiz me.

Melanie: Pick a number.
Andy: Fourteen.
Melanie: One. Two... No, Daddy. That number's not there.
Andy: Oh. Sorry. Nine. (Which he knows also isn't there.)
Melanie: One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine.
[As she does this, she's closing her fingers which makes the paper game munch like a Pac Man. She doesn't have the bidirectional motion down at all, but, as far as she can tell, she's doing it exactly like Daddy does it. :) ]
Melanie: Pick a fairy.
Andy: The Blue one.
[More chomping.]
Melanie: Pick a fairy.
Andy: The Green one.
[Melanie opens up the puzzle. There are pictures along with the questions.]
Melanie("reading"): When does the water splash up onto the shore?
Andy(taking a guess based on the picture): At night.
Melanie: No. When the water splashes up *onto* the shore.
Andy: Oooh. Well, I can't argue with that. Good question, sweetie.

I can't truly capture the distinction in meter and tone of voice between the question and answer here, but there was a bit of a pause and definite emphasis at the *onto* in the answer.

December 9, 2010: Kids say...bustin' caps

Setup: We're at Davanni's playing Blokus while awaiting our pizza. Andy placed his U piece around the end of one of Ella's (6) pieces.

Andy: Yup, you were expanding into my area, so I put a cap on the end of your piece.
[Later, Ella uses the same technique on me.]
Ella: You were getting in my way, so I capped you.
Melanie: Yeah, Ella. You capped daddy.

December 9, 2010: Kids say...anybody know the lyrics?

Setup: Little Lambs (church children's choir - 1st and 2nd graders) rehearsal. Prepping for Christmas.

Cory (director): Ok. Does anybody know the words to Hark the Herald Angels Sing?
[choir - mixture of shrugs and raised hands.]
[they practice the song]
Cory: All right. Does anybody know Joy to the World?
[choir - again a mixture of shrugs and raised hands.]
Cory: Yes, Ella.
Noella(6): Jeremiah was a bullfrog! Was a good friend of mine! :)

Ok, so that last part didn't happen outside of my mind, but, man, wouldn't that have been great?

December 4, 2010: Kids say...I'm not dead yet

Setup: Dinner just finished. The girls want to go play.

Melanie (to Ella): Wanna play dead?
Ella: Ok. I just need to find my gun.
Andy: Girls... I don't like this game. We're not going to play "dead". You can play "doctor" and be "sick", but you're not going to play "dead" and there will be no guns.
Melanie: Ok. We'll play doctor. I'll be dead.
Andy: Girls. You're not going to play "dead".
Ella: Can we play "dying"?

October 27, 2010: Kids say...I don't remember sleeping

Setup: Andy's kenneling up Neo before heading out to work. Noella (6) is awake.
Noella (tired, breathy, and somewhat whiny): Daddy... I'm sooo tired... I didn't sleep at all.
Andy (quietly): Oh, sweetie. Right after you wake up, you'll still be tired because you haven't moved around at all to get going. And, I know you slept; I saw you.
Noella: But I don't remember sleeping.

She makes a good point. You can never "remember sleeping." I recall dreaming, which happens when I'm asleep (but I've also daydreamed, which is more of a trance-like wake state). I know I've tossed and turned in "restless sleep," but the part I remember -- I wasn't asleep. I've certainly been tired and sleepy, but I have no memories of "being asleep".

September 21, 2010: Kids say...Melanie whistling

Setup: We're on the deck eating dinner. Melanie (3.5) is a bit distracted.

Melanie: (howling) Ahhhwoooooooo. Ahhhwoooooooo. I'm whistling.
[seconds later]
Melanie: (still howling) Ahhhwoooooooo. Ahhhwoooooooo. I'm a bird... like an owl.

September 18, 2010: Kids say...unprompted prayer

Setup: Breakfast. I've just handed the girls their bagels and am preparing my own. Melanie (3.5), with no prompting, closes her eyes and quietly says the following.

Melanie: Thank you Lord; for mommy and daddy; and for Natalie and Anya. Amen.

September 17, 2010: Kids say...I'll have another fry

Setup: We're eating in our van at an A&W. Ella (6) and Jen (29*) are in the front seats. Melanie (3.5) and Andy (33, though I doubt you really care) are in the next seats back. Melanie is holding her burger. Andy is in charge of the mug full of "Root Beard" (as Melanie cutely calls it) and the bag of french fries. Melanie's been on a long string of fries and neglecting her burger a bit.

Andy: Ok. One more fry, but your next bite will be burger.
Melanie: No. I'll have another fry.
Andy: No, sweetie, you need to eat some more burger.
[Melanie walks around her chair and returns with a fry from the cup holder where she'd apparently been storing some of her previously obtained fries.]
Melanie (proudly holding a new fry): No. I'll have another fry.

[Check and mate.]

August 31, 2010: Kids say...cute duet

Setup: Noella (6) and Melanie (3.5) love singing. Many song snippets are from Vacation Bible School, a PBS Kids show, one of their CD's, or something they've heard somewhere. Also, there are many Ella and Melanie Originals. I'm not sure of the origins of this particular song (and I can't recall the line right after, represented with das in an attempt to catch the meter), but it keeps repeating.

Noella (singing): Uuuuuup and at'em. ?da-DA da-DA da-DA-DA-DA?
Melanie (echoing): Ooooooh banana. ?da-DA da-DA da-DA-DA-DA?

August 26, 2010: Kids say...Olivia

Setup: Melanie (3.5) is at a park, carrying her plush Eeyore doll. She encounters another girl who appears to be about the same age.

Melanie: This is my dog, Olivia.

This is just one of the very, very many Olivias in her arsenal of dolls.

August 8, 2010: Kids say...Melanie's got plans

Setup: Melanie (3.5) has crawled into bed one Saturday morning. After wiggling around a bit in an attempt to find a comfortable spot the following transpires.

Melanie: (annoyed) Mom... when is daddy going to leave?
Jen: (amused) Do you know what day it is? It's Saturday. Do you know what happens on Saturday?
Melanie: (excited) We get to see GraMarie!

Follow-up - we were not, in fact, going to see GraMarie. Furthermore, there had been no mention of GraMarie. It was just her out-of-the-blue guess as to what we ought to be doing on a Saturday.

July 26, 2010: Kids say...breakfast order

Setup: Breakfast. Melanie (3) has finished her banana and is moving on to the cereal round.

Andy: Would you like Fruity Cheerios...?
Melanie: No.
Andy: ... would you like Chex...?
Melanie: Yes. ONLY Chex.
Andy: Ok. Only Chex. Do you want all three kinds...?
Melanie: Yes. All three. Only Chex.
Andy: Alrighty. "Only Chex, all three kinds" coming right up.
Melanie: And Cheerios.
Andy: Of course. "Only" Chex... and Cheerios.
[Andy retrieves the cereal from the cupboard and begins pouring into Melanie's bowl.]
Melanie: I wanted Cheerios.
Andy: Yes, sweetie, but I'm pouring the "all three kinds only Chex" first.
Melanie: Oh. [points to the Wheat Chex] And not that one.
Andy: Sure. Only Chex, all three kinds, and Cheerios, and not that one. Got it.

July 20, 2010: Kids say...but... context?

Setup: Shortly after arriving at work, I get an "I miss daddy" phone call from Melanie (3).

Melanie: I still love you but... why aren't you home?

Great use of but. Later in the same call (and seemingly out of nowhere)...

Melanie: Some people are in heaven... but Grama Mona made Raggedy Ann.

Jen later got a turn on the phone and explained the context (a discussion that eventually meandered to listing some people in heaven, Melanie suggested Grama Mona, Jen informed her this wasn't the case and tried to remind Melanie who Grama Mona is), but still 2 adorable uses of but.

July 14, 2010: Kids say...a bushel and a peck...

Setup: Melanie (3) was snuggling with Jen after dinner.

Melanie (singing): I love you... a bushel and a heck... a bushel and a heck... and a hug around your neck.

June 11, 2010: Kids say...Ella's typing

Setup: Ella (5 and a recent kindergarten graduate) was typing on her computer while I was working from home on mine. She had typed the following message into the little notepad program:

dear daddy
i love you.
i love you
but i also
love mommy.

love
noella

June 1, 2010: Kids say...next time, Daddy

Setup: I had just gotten home from an early match of volleyball, so the girls weren't in bed yet.

Melanie: Daddy, how was your day at volleyball?
Andy: Good.
Melanie: Did you win?
Andy: No... but we had a good time.
Melanie (sternly): Daddy, next time you should try to win the volleyball.

May 30, 2010: Kids say...pool shark

Setup: We're swimming at the cousin's pool. Ella (5) is practicing swimming without any floaties/noodles. (She swam from side to side in the deep end (supervised, of course) so that gave her permission to go off the slide or even the diving board, which she did... but I digress.) Melanie (3) has also made huge strides on the swimming front. She requires 2 noodles, but, with those, she's pretty much tooling about by herself (again, supervised, of course).

Melanie <double-noodled, beaming smile, paddling my direction>: Ba-doom... Ba-doom... (To the tune of Jaws.)