Point/Counterpoint

As you might imagine, divorce has been on my mind a lot recently. I decided to do some writing about it. I began with "Divorce is..." and this is where I went.

Divorce is:
- embarrassing.
You promised in front of God and everybody that you'd be with this person 'til death do you part... and now you're parting... and nobody's dead.
- scary.
It is uncharted water. You've never been divorced before. Sure, you've known people who were divorced, but they were always "those people"... now you're one of "those people".
- expensive.
Lawyers aren't cheep. Cutting your income in half stinks. And you don't actually give up half of your expenses... there had been some synergy to being on a combined income.
- stressful.
This is a major life event. There's a lot being decided about you and about your kids, some of which will be in effect forever*, so you better make sure you get it right. (*"Forever" kind of loses its power when you think back to that whole "'til death do us part" thing.)
- failure.
If you're someone who doesn't like to fail, divorce is a very hard pill to swallow.
- quitting.
Mm-kay. You can also quit smoking, drinking, or a terrible job... "Quitting" isn't inherently a "bad thing".
- wrong.
Sure, if you're a 100% orthodox Catholic, this might be a problem, but there's a good chance you're not actually in that camp so I don't need to start whipping out verses to prove that to you.
- ugly.
It can be... but it doesn't have to be.

Then, just for fun, I decided to use those same responses, but change the beginning of the sentence.

Not getting divorced is:
- embarrassing.
You go to a wedding, and you see the celebration of love, and the promise that this couple has... and you're not feeling it yourself... and you're afraid others might see that as well. You see a clip from an old episode of "The Newlywed Game" and the question is "How often do you ___?" (Could be smooch, buy flowers, 'hum-ina hum-ina', etc.) and you nervously think to yourself, you don't recall how long it's been.)
- scary.
There's still that ever-looming threat of divorce. You're effectively facing the world alone, and that's scary whether you're married or not... possibly more so while married, because you're doing it secretly.
- expensive.
This is a bit of a tougher one. There might be costs for counseling or possibly coping mechanisms to meet your own needs (such as "retail therapy"), but otherwise, the financial expense isn't always obvious. Now the emotional cost is quit real, but that's not really in the spirit of point/counterpoint.
- stressful.
Cognitive dissonance. Not looking forward to coming home or them coming home. If you mess something up, and now you're just waiting for the inevitable blame.
- failure.
There's clearly a problem, but there you are: failing to acknowledge; failing to act.
- quitting.
You're giving up on yourself. You've accepted that things are awful, but you're not going to do anything about it.
- wrong.
You're not doing what is right for you. You're not doing what is right for your partner. You're certainly not doing what is right for your children. You're setting a terrible example and demonstrating that an unhealthy and unhappy relationship is ok, tolerable, and normal.
- ugly.
A loveless marriage. Not valuing yourself enough to speak up when your needs aren't being met. Going through the motions until one of you finally dies. Actively disliking the other person. Private disagreements that creep out into public light occasionally, and the awkwardness around that.


I know this is ultimately the right thing to do and, eventually, things will get better, but, for now, I'm in the midst of the yuckiness. Things aren't going as quickly and smoothly as I had hoped (though I'm told this is typical). Things have gotten a little gross (which, I'm assured, is also normal and temporary). I'm really looking forward to it being done and behind me.

Thanks to my friends who have reached out to me. In my previous post, I mentioned the whole "not wanting to pry" thing, and I think I may have given the wrong tone. Psychology says that our favorite word is our own name. (Based on the parts of the brain that light up when we hear it.) In general, people like to talk about themselves. Sure, some things might not be so fun to talk about, but someone else showing an interest in you is always welcome. (Well, ruling out stalkers or unwanted attention... oh, counter examples... why must you haunt me?) Anyway, the point is, if you want to ask me something, but you're afraid you're prying -- ask. If, by some chance, it is more than I'd like to share, I can draw that line and just say I'd rather not say.

Objectively, I have first-hand access to an experience. It's something that, sadly, isn't extremely rare in our society, but it is something that many people I know haven't experienced first-hand (which is good) and here's your chance to learn about it (and hopefully avoid it). I'm not going to "dish dirt", but if you've got other questions, feel free to ask.

Also, feel free to "not ask". I have had over 37 years of life experiences and this divorce is just one of them. I don't want to be seen as "Andy, the guy who's always droning on and on about his divorce". I'm still "Andy, that math geek who is pretty excited about infinity" and "Andy, that guy who loves playing games" and "Andy, the dude who sticks things to his forehead and balances things on his chin"... I'm Andy!

Disclaimer: I take marriage seriously. Divorce is not something to be taken lightly. If you can avoid it, I recommend that. However, don't ignore it to the point of ignoring yourself.
If you're considering divorce, first off, my heart aches for you, but secondly, try to be honest with yourself and with your spouse. It should be an option on the table, but hopefully not the only option. (It really depends on how far along an unfavorable path you've already gone.)

Petersen's Pesky Pachyderm

(The elephant in the room.)

As you may have heard, Jen and I are getting divorced.
This type of news is "awkward and uncomfortable".
I suspect you may be feeling something along the lines of, "Well, shoot, that's very sad... I wish I could help... but I don't want to pry... Gee, this is awkward and uncomfortable."

Let me start by setting your mind at ease. There is no addiction or infidelity involved. Jen and I just grew apart and weren't demonstrating a loving relationship for the girls. Rather than "go through the motions" and "stick it out for the children" (which would actually be detrimental), we've decided to make the difficult choice.

First and foremost, we want the girls to know that they are loved and this is not their fault. (We've told them this, and continue to reiterate, but this is a major upheaval in their lives as well, so we must be ever mindful of how they're doing. (At the same time, they also don't need to be constantly reminded about painful things. Yes, their parents are getting divorced, but there are so many other things going on in their lives; we don't need to dwell on that.))

It is also important that we maintain a unified front. No good comes of anyone speaking ill of either parent, especially as observable by the girls. (Fun fact - The girls are more observant than one might think. Even if someone isn't "saying" negative things, a "general attitude" can be sensed by the girls.)

I am trying my best not to focus on blame nor harbor ill-will. Actively disliking anybody is a waste of energy: your life doesn't get any better and interactions with the other person only become more tenuous.

It is my hope that none of you have negative feelings for either of us. There needn't be a #TeamAndy vs. #TeamJen.

Some observations about myself:

- I am an introvert.
- I am quirky and have been known to be social awkward at times.
- I am going through a stressful and emotionally charged period.
- I may be preoccupied and possibly less-chipper than my baseline value.
- I know this is the right thing and, despite the current discomfort, I will establish a "new normal" and things will be good.
- I am in need of support from my friends and family, though I suspect "person going through a divorce" isn't generically high on anyone's "who would I like to hang out with" list.

 

Here are some over-simplified caricatures of the spectrum of friends:

- I went to school/church/camp/etc. with Andy. I never really knew him all that well, but he seemed nice enough. It's too bad that he's getting divorced, but, ultimately, this won't have an impact on my life.
- I knew Andy pretty well... but that was quite a while ago. It's a bummer that he's getting divorced. Maybe I'll drop him a line on Facebook. Hang in there, buddy.
- I know both Andy and Jen and this breaks my heart. Oh, the poor girls. This is just all around sad. I wish I could wrap them all up in a hug and let them know they are loved and it will all work out in the end.
- I never really knew Jen, but Andy and I go way back. If there's anything I can do to help, bro, just call.

Wherever you find yourself on that spectrum, that's fine.
I appreciate all of my friends.

I would like to apologize in advance if I am preoccupied or less-chipper than intended.

I know this is temporary, so thank you for your support and patience.

2014 Christmas Letter

2014 was a big year. Here are some of the highlights:

·         In January, the Imaginative Orange Pi Guys: Silver Edition (Ella's Lego League team) hosted a Davanni's Fundraiser as their team prepared to go to the State Tournament.

·         In February, said Lego League team won the Team Spirit award at State. Later that month, Jen played in a clarinet ensemble, Ella played piano (from memory), and Melanie was Andy's lovely assistant for his juggling routine in the church's talent show.

·         In March, Melanie turned 7, which was particularly exciting for the girls, as they are quite fond of the joke "Why is 9 afraid of 7? ... Because 7 'ate' 9."

·         In April, both girls had their first communion.

·         In May, I caught a marshmallow thrown over 40 feet by a stranger; it was delicious.

·         In June, Andy and Jen commemorated 15 years of marriage.

·         In July, Andy moved out.

·         In August, Ella turned 10. 10! Can you believe it?! Double-digits. Wow.

·         In September, Mike and Lee got married.

·         In October, Ella was a fairy princess, Melanie was a cowgirl, and Andy wore a "bowling shirt" with "BOSTON E Bowlers" on the back. ("Boston" was necessary to get the pronunciation correct... I was an E-bowler.)

·         In November, Andy got to share the excitement as Cory Springhorn was elected to City Council.

·         We are now in December, and looking back at another crazy year that's about to end.

From all of us me, to all of you: best wishes for 2015.

 

Andy

 

P.S. In the event that this letter leaves you with questions, might I suggest this blog entry:

Petersen's Pesky Pachyderm

Had I gone "100 years", I still wouldn't have made a "connection"...

info: at 18:15:50
Hello, my name is [employee], your [Internet Provider] TV and entertainment specialist. How may I assist you today?

[employee]: at 18:15:53

Hello and welcome to [Internet Provider]!  How may I assist you?

Andy: at 18:15:51

Good evening. I'm here at my parent's house and wanted to check what level of internet service they're getting.

[employee]: at 18:16:34

Sure!  Can I have the account number please?

Andy: at 18:17:39

I'm looking for it. Where would I find it on their bill?

[employee]: at 18:18:12

It should be located in the top corner of the bill.

Andy: at 18:19:29

[account number]

[employee]: at 18:20:29

Thanks!  To verify the account, could I please have your full home address?

Andy: at 18:20:35

[parents' address]

[employee]: at 18:21:10

Perfect!  Can I also get your first and last name?

Andy: at 18:21:34

The name on the account is [father's name]

[employee]: at 18:22:15

Can I have your first and last name please?

Andy: at 18:22:29

I'm Andy [last name]; [father]'s eldest son.

[employee]: at 18:23:44

I do apologize Andy, but I do not see your name listed on the account therefore I cannot give you any information on the account. 

Andy: at 18:24:35

I see. So you're not able to tell me which internet speed level they're enrolled in.

[employee]: at 18:25:18

I do apologize but I am not able to give you any information regarding this account.

Andy: at 18:25:58

Ok. Can you provide general information, such as what speed levels are even available in this part of [city]? That shouldn't be personal account information.

[employee]: at 18:27:19

Sure!  I will first need a full home address to see what speeds are available in your area?

Andy: at 18:27:39

[parents' address]

[employee]: at 18:28:13

one moment please.

[employee]: at 18:31:44

I do apologize, but since this address is listed on the account I will not be able to give you the speeds available at this address.  Your father can chat back in to get information on this account.

[employee]: at 18:31:54

Is there anything else I can assist you with today?

(You have yet to assist me. I believe "else" might be overstating it.)

Andy: at 18:32:16

Can you check speeds "in this general area". I'm just wondering if you even offer the 40 Mbps package.

[employee]: at 18:33:06

I would have to have a particular address to look up that information for you.

Andy: at 18:33:49

Ok. Hang on. I'll see if I can see one of the neighbor's addresses... hopefully they're not already customers.

(I wouldn't want to trouble you... at your computer terminal... Please allow me to physically go outside and find some house numbers.)

Andy: at 18:35:24

[neighbor's address]

Andy: at 18:36:00

This is a townhouse development, so you can also try: 11674, 11675, 11676, or 11677

Andy: at 18:36:25

(Those are the ones I could easily see from the driveway. I can get you other numbers if those are all existing customers.)

[employee]: at 18:37:24

Thanks Andy!  One moment while I look up these addresses for you!

[employee]: at 18:37:57

Can I have the zip code please?

(It's the same zip code as my parents' zip code. I know you know my parents' address because you're looking at the information you cannot tell me.)

Andy: at 18:38:20

[zip code]

[employee]: at 18:39:19

Up to 40mpbs is available to the address.  Is there anything else I can assist you with today?

Andy: at 18:40:17

If my parents did not have the 40 Mbps package, would there be any hardware changes required to upgrade them? (or to switch to any of the levels from whatever they're at.)

Andy: at 18:40:47

By which, I mean, generally speaking, is it something that could be done over the phone/online, or would a technician be involved.

[employee]: at 18:41:00

I do apologize but I cannot give you any information regarding your parents account.

(Really? That's news to me. Why haven't you mentioned that before?)

Andy: at 18:40:59

Not necessarily at this address, just in general.

Andy: at 18:42:39

If "any customer" at "any nonspecific address" alters their Mbps package, would that require a technician to visit? (I'm just asking about the general process. I am not looking for personally identifiable information.)

[employee]: at 18:43:04

It varies depending on what level of services you have now. I wish I could provide you more detailed information but without you being authorized I would not be able to assist you.

(Dude. I respect that you are obeying your company's policy and I am glad that you take seriously your job to protect private information, but I am not looking for a list of what shows they've watched this month.
Imagine I'm a "potential new customer". I'd like to know if I can get the 1.5 Mbps* package and, if I later decide that's not zippy enough for me, will I be able to "flip a switch" or will I need to wait between the hours of 8am and 3pm for some technician to come and... "flip a switch".

*A package which your advertisement boasts:
1.5 Mbps is perfect for:
• Email
• Surfing the internet
• Social Networking

By "surfing" I assume you mean "standing of a surf board while we poor cups of water over it".)

Andy: at 18:43:34

So, generally speaking, switching levels "may require" hardware changes.

Andy: at 18:43:54

Are there level switches that would not require a hardware update?

[employee]: at 18:44:34

That is correct, is there anything else I can assist you with today?

Andy: at 18:44:44

Apparently not without my father here. :(

[employee]: at 18:45:17

Have a good day Andy!

Cutting my losses

I had a fairly bizarre haircut yesterday. My stylist, shall we say, "wasn't on her game". In her defense, in the little bit of small talk at the beginning of my session, she did mention that it had been a very busy day and, when the adjacent stylist was trying to gage the estimated wait time, my barber shared that she’d not had her break yet.

There was very little talking beyond the initial pleasantries. (I’m not saying I minded. Often, barber chair talk is fairly formulaic and I’m ok with zoning out while they focus their attention on the task at hand.)

Speaking of focusing and hands… while trimming the top of my head with the scissors, she nicked herself. She initially said she'd be fine, but that she was most concerned with not wanting to bleed all over me. (A concern I appreciated and shared.) She continued to look at her finger and wince and then excused herself to the back room.

This is something I've never really thought about before, but I suppose inadvertent cuts are a very real occupational hazard when you cut hair for a living.

She returned and resumed my cut. A few minutes later... "Ouch!" She again excused herself.

The stylist at the next station was trying to make small talk to fill the awkward void of me sitting all alone in a barber chair with wet hair and a partial haircut, but she chose to mention that she knew someone who wound up needing stitches from a slip. (I'm not sure that actually made me feel any better.)

My stylist returned and she was able to finish my cut without additional incident.

When she was done cutting, she excused me to the sink for a rinse. After that, I returned to the chair and she used the blow drier for a bit, and then she was done.

She didn’t do the "place pointer fingers at the base of both sideburns to validate alignment” trick. She did not do the "how does this look" coupled with the hand mirror in the back maneuver. She did not do the "comb the bangs straight down to show how short they are and ask 'Is that short enough?'" She was just done.

Truth be told, I wasn't too eager to give a tired, clumsy, and forgetful barber another shot at me with sharp implements. It seemed best to cut my losses.

 

Here's a clip:

 

In the doghouse

My dog is getting old and I fear I am not able to provide him the care and attention that he needs. He's a 12 year-old neutered male Maltese. He has very few teeth left (though still eats small kibble mixed with a little water). His vision and hearing are suspect. He is house trained, thus nobody has to take him outside in the dead of winter, but he does have his share of "intentionals". (Those are like "accidents", but with premeditation.)

Jen has become allergic to him, so he's no longer allowed to sleep in our room. Due to the aforementioned "intentionals", he needs to be contained at night. He's got a small gated area, with his dog bed, his water dish, and a piddle pad, in the basement, but lately he's taken to barking... in the middle of the night... a lot. (To be clear, he also likes to bark in the daytime. In general, if he's separated from the pack, he's fond of vocalizing his discontent.)

I think he's lonely.

He's occasionally had nights not in his pen, and, though he doesn't bark, he has had an alarmingly high "intentional" rate.

Oh, how I wish I could reason with him. "Neo, if you promise not to pee on the floor, you can have free run of the entire house."

Alas, one cannot reason with a dog. So he's relegated to his pen.
When he barks, he gets put in his kennel and put out in our attached garage.
Whenever he's been in his kennel for a period of time, he invariably pees in there.

This leaves us with a stinky, barking dog, that my wife is allergic to, who, more often than he should, pees on the floor. This is not raising his stock value.

He needs a home where he can be free; where he's not separated from the pack. He doesn't require walks (his small stature ensures that running throughout the house is sufficient exercise). He likes nothing more than to sit in someone's lap, or right next to them in a large chair, or on one of his dog beds on the floor in a room with people. He's pretty friendly with people, though he doesn't take too kindly to being stepped on. He will occasionally "bite" at feet if you do catch his tail accidentally. (I put "bite" in quotes due to his lack of teeth.)

I don't want to kill my dog, but I'm afraid I can't keep him much longer.

Anybody have a contingent in your household rooting for getting a dog, but maybe others aren't so sure? Would you like to borrow Neo for a week or two, to test out if the kids will actually feed him and clean up after him, like they promise they will? (If it’s going well, this “trial period” could be extended indefinitely.)
Any retired, empty-nesters looking for a companion that doesn't require much maintenance?

I'd like to "send him to a farm, to happily live out the rest of his days".
Are you a "farmer"?

9... 10... D'oh!

We were trying to download a new song for Just Dance 2014 on the Wii and we got an error. The message said that, if this error continues to occur, go to a website.

The error continued.

I went to the website.

Searching for the error code, I found the "solution" was to call an 800-number.

I called that 800-number. (I must admit, the hold music was pretty enjoyable: various themes from the Zelda universe.)

I was finally connected with David. He was very pleasant, but wouldn't be able to fix my issue himself. He needed to open a ticket with the tech department. They would contact me within the next 1 to 2 business days.

Later that same day, I received an email. It had a different number to call.

I called that different number.

I was eventually connected with Casey. He asked for my reference number, which I provided, and then for the error code, which I also provided. (Though, I had expected that information to already be available to him, as he was, presumably, looking at my incident ticket at that point in time.)

He looked up the code and then proceeded to explain what this error means and how to "fix" it. He explained that some files had gotten corrupted and that this can often happen when people illegally modify their systems.

 

He asked if I had made such modifications.

 

I said that I had not (which, by the way, is the truth, though I suspect that question is fairly universally answered in the negative).

 

He then proceeded to explain "the solution": formatting the memory.

"This may result in the loss of data." (Uhm... not so much "may" if I'm doing a format.)

Playing dumb, I asked, "What about the files that I cannot move to the SD card?"

As expected, he indicated that those would be lost.

I wish I had a transcript of the conversation because I don't recall exactly when, but he did mention that this error is typically a result of people illegally modifying the system. That's all well and good... if I had modified my system, but, since I hadn't, the karmic slap in the face seems unwarranted.

Basically, I’m being accused of breaking the rules and then I’m going to lose all my data. Wow, way to make me feel like a valuable customer.

 

 

Epilogue: We later reattempted the download, and it worked. So, we haven't lost any data yet, but I'm fearful that there is a lingering problem that could rear its head at any moment.