Can anybody help me?... [chirping sounds]

[Support Rep]:    Welcome to [Cell Company] Andy ! My name is [Support Rep] and I hope you're doing great today. Please let me know how can I help you to make your day even better
Me:    Good morning, [Support Rep]. I am hoping you can make my day even better.
Me:    I've been a [Cell Company] user since September of last year. Very happy. Things are wonderful.
Me:    I have one minor annoyance and I'd like to fix it.
Me:    I am enrolled in autopay. This is wonderful and working correctly.
Me:    However, on the 14th of each month, all 3 of the phones on my group plan receive a text that states the following:
Me:    Just a quick [Cell Company] reminder! Your monthly Auto payment for account ######### will be processed tomorrow for $##.##. You can always manage your Auto Pay by logging into your account at [Cell Company].com or using the My [Cell Company] app.
Me:    Then, on the 15th, we all get this message:
Me:    Got it. This is [Cell Company] confirming we received your $##.## payment for account #########. Did you know that you can manage your account at [Cell Company].com?
Me:    Last month, I had a chat and tried to get this notification turned off. They tried updating my settings. However, I got the "Just a quick [Cell Company] reminder!" again.
Me:    So, on Monday, I chatted again.
Me:    After both the 2/15 and 3/14 chats, I got this text:
Me:    A heads up from [Cell Company]! Changes were made to your My [Cell Company] account. You can check out your account at [Cell Company].com or using the My [Cell Company] app.
Me:    So, I could tell some update had been made.
Me:    However, on Tuesday, subsequent to my chat and receiving a pair of "A heads up from [Cell Company]!", I once again got the "Got it." text.
Me:    I know this is not a major deal. I know I'm not getting charged for texts.
Me:    But, it is annoying to get this pair of texts every month.
[Support Rep]:    Please let me check your account
Me:    Yes please. By all means. :)
[Support Rep]:    : )
[Support Rep]:    The notifications that you are receiving are automatic by the system
Me:    Correct. I would like them disabled.
[Support Rep]:    OK
[Support Rep]:    I am going to perform a change on your account
[Support Rep]:    Let me know if you got the notification
Me:    Yes. I got a notification
[Support Rep]:    About what?
Me:    A quick [Cell Company] account update: The number [my cell number] you asked us to send messages to regarding your Auto Pay credit card is no longer on your account. If we need to remind you about an expiring card we will send a message to [my dad's number]. To change the number, use the My [Cell Company] app or log in at [Cell Company].com
[Support Rep]:    After that
[Support Rep]:    No other?
Me:    That's the only one so far.
Me:    In truth, [my number] is the "primary" account, and it's the other 2 that really don't need any notifications.
Me:    Then, on my primary line, I'd like to only receive notifications of things that require my attention. I don't really need a pair of texts each month reminding me that I've signed up for a program that is supposed to let me not think or worry about my billing each month. ;)
Me:    I just got another notify
Me:    A heads up from [Cell Company]! Changes were made to your My [Cell Company] account. You can check out your account at [Cell Company]qireless.com or using the My [Cell Company] app.
[Support Rep]:    Yes
Me:    And another.
Me:    A heads up from [Cell Company]! Changes were made to your My [Cell Company] account. You can check out your account at [Cell Company]qireless.com or using the My [Cell Company] app.
[Support Rep]:    Yes, I was testing that
Me:    Yup. I'm just reporting the results. :)
[Support Rep]:    It seems that disable this is not working
[Support Rep]:    Have you tried
[Support Rep]:    Registering your phone number here https://www.donotcall.gov
Me:    Really? I need to put myself on a do not call list. Shouldn't [Cell Company] be able to stop sending me messages, without getting the .gov involved?
Me:    Are you able to tell if these are also being sent to my parents?
Me:    At the very least, I'd like to turn those off.
Me:    [###-###-####] Andy (me); [###-###-####] mom; [###-###-####] dad
Me:    Mom and Dad got confused about both of them having a payment of $90 due the next day. They were worried that they needed to do something, and that it meant our total bill was $270, which freaked them out.
Me:    So, I'd like the "account management" type texts to only be sent to [my number]
[Support Rep]:    I understand your request Andy
Me:    And then, in addition to that, if I could turn off the auto-pay related messages, that would be great.
[Support Rep]:    I submit the request from here and you are still receiving the notifications
[Support Rep]:    That is the only tool that we have
Me:    Hmm. Does someone else have more tools?
[Support Rep]:    The website that I gave you
Me:    DoNotCall.gov
[Support Rep]:    Correct
Me:    That sounds drastic.
Me:    I'll go out there and take a look, but I'm imagining that's the national Do Not Call list. I don't want to disable all texts to my phone, or even all texts from businesses.
Me:    Just the pair of monthly autopay notifications from [Cell Company].
[Support Rep]:    Those would be sent to your phone number
[Support Rep]:    That is the one enable to
[Support Rep]:    Andy?
Me:    Hmm. I just pulled up that website. I don't really think it's the correct solution to this problem.
Me:    The 3 main options are: Register a Phone Number; Verify a Registration; Submit a Complaint.
Me:    I think, if I register, it would mean no companies should attempt to reach me.
Me:    And then, if I kept getting these auto pay notices, that I'd "file a complaint", but I don't want to get [Cell Company] into some sort of trouble.
[Support Rep]:    From here I just submit the request again, even tough I am going to provider your account number to my supervisor can escalated the situation
Me:    So, on your end, what you can see about the numbers on my group account, do you see them as enabled or disabled?
[Support Rep]:    Disabled to receive those notifications
Me:    So, from what you're seeing, if I hadn't told you I was still getting texts, you would believe that everything should be turned off and I shouldn't be getting any. Correct?
[Support Rep]:    Correct
Me:    Is there some way to report a system bug? It seems like something isn't quite behaving as it probably should be, and the technical development team would need to code a change.
[Support Rep]:    Yes, I am going to give to my supervisor your account number in order to resolve it
Me:    Cool. If they want to reach out to me, I would welcome that. I'm happy to help trying to get this resolved.
[Support Rep]:    Sure, we will get in touch with you
Me:    Awesome. Thanks.
[Support Rep]:    You are welcome Andy



It doesn't seem like it should be this hard. They are in the communication business. 3 different support chats, trying to something "as drastic" as turning disabling an automated notify. At the very least, one should be able to choose that the notifies only go to the primary account. 

But when they recommended I "solve it" by going to DoNotCall.gov?!? Are you kidding me? (Andy: "Uhm, yeah, my chicken seems a little under-done. Any chance you could throw it back in the oven for a few more minutes?" Server: "Sorry, bra. What you might want to do is eat it, and then, if you get sick, go to the emergency room. They can take care of you.")

Support Chat. (Not the droids I'm looking for.)

welcome to [Reputable Retailer] Chat.

You are now connected to Roxane.
Roxane: Thanks for shopping on [ReputableRetailer].com. My name is Roxane. How can I help you?  
Andy: Good morning, Roxane. I received an email about an order I placed and I'm a little perplexed.
Andy: It informed me that there was an unexpected delay. Here, I'll just paste it here.
Roxane: Good Morning, Andy. 
Andy: We just found out about an unexpected delay that affects your order (Order #xxxxxxxxxxxx) placed on 12/13/2015. We're sorry, but we may not be able to deliver your item(s) by the estimated delivery date you received with your original order. If you still want your item(s), you will need to approve the new estimated delivery date(s) by visiting your order detail page. We will do our best to fulfill the delayed item(s) from your order, but if we can't, we will let you know as soon as possible. If we don't hear from you, your item(s) will be canceled. You may also visit your order detail page to cancel item(s) if they are backordered or if you no longer want them. Remember, you will not be charged for any item until it ships. If items need to ship separately, your shipping charges will not increase.
Andy: The thing that is puzzling to me is that the "default behavior", as in, if I took no action, would be to cancel my order.
Roxane: I'm sorry for the inconvenience caused.  
Roxane: Let me check and help you.   
Roxane: Could you provide order number and email address?
Andy: It was easy enough to follow the link, and things are back on track, but I'm struggling to imagine why, by default, a delayed order would become cancelled.
Andy: Order #xxxxxxxxxxxx
Andy: [username]@yahoo.com
Roxane: Thank you.
Roxane: To confirm, are you referring about the items, The Matrix Collection: 4 Film Favorites [WS] [2 Discs] and Mighty No. 9 (Wii U)?
Andy: I took action on Mighty No. 9.
Andy: I didn't think the Matrix had any issues.
Andy: But, yes, that is the order in question.
Roxane: Thank you for confirming. 
Roxane: Would you mind waiting a few minutes while I check into that?
Andy: Not at all.
Andy: Go right ahead.
Andy: I guess, while you're looking at that order, the other oddity is that for the iHome Bluetooth Rechargeable Mini Speaker Cube (iBT16BB) it shows the delivery progress as "Shipped", but not "Delivered".
Andy: I have that speaker.
Roxane: Thanks for waiting. I appreciate your patience.
Roxane: I have checked the order and see that item you are referring is back ordered. 
Roxane: It’s possible your [ReputableRetailer].com order status may read “Backordered”.          
Roxane: This indicates an order delay because an item is temporarily out of stock. The item will ship as soon as it’s in stock.                   
Roxane: You may receive an email asking you to approve a delay in the order shipment.                                   
Roxane: You’ll continue to receive emails if there are any changes to the order status, and when the item ships.                      
Roxane: If you don’t want to wait for the item, you can also request to cancel the order.
Andy: Everything you just described makes sense.
Andy: However
Andy: The email I got, informing me of the delay, indicated that -- If I do nothing in response to the email ... my order would be canceled.
Andy: That's the part that makes no sense to me.
Roxane: Need not to worry, you will continue to receive emails if there are any changes to the order status, and when the item ships.
Andy: I totally appreciate "Hey, that item you ordered and we said we could get you by Friday... yeah, we're out of that. We'll get it to you as soon as we can."
Andy: And to such a message I might say, "Oh... well, I really can't wait. I guess I'll have to find another way to get it. Can we cancel it?"
Andy: That exchange makes sense to me.
Andy: But, what the email I got seems to imply is:
Roxane: Yes, you can also request to cancel the order.   
Andy: "Hey, that item you ordered and we said we could get you by Friday... yeah, we're out of that. We assume you don't want it anymore. If that's not the case, you'd better tell us that."
Andy: To be clear, I do still want my items and I have taken the action.
Andy: I just think the course of action prescribed by the email seems backwards.
Roxane: If you don't want the item, you can return the item to any [Reputable Retailer] store or online for full refund.
Andy: Hmmm. I feel you are missing my point.
Andy: I love [Reputable Retailer].
Andy: I'm pleased with your services.
Andy: I'm happy with my order.
Andy: I understand your return policies and how to cancel an item.
Andy: What I don't understand is why the email was indicating that it was going to cancel my order because of the delay, unless I did something about it.
Andy: It wasn't hard for me to do my part.
Andy: I just don't think that's the right way to go about it.
Roxane: It's great to hear, we would like our guest to be satisfied for there needs and wants and I will share you comments to your concerned department. 
Roxane: Would you like me to cancel the item The Matrix Collection: 4 Film Favorites [WS] [2 Discs] on behalf of you?
Andy: No thank you. I would like to receive everything I ordered.
Roxane: Okay, Andy.  
Andy: Is there a comments section or feedback location?
Andy: I'd like to share my concern with the shipping/delivery/email notification area.
Roxane: Yes, once you end the chat you will receive the survey form to fill your feedback. 
Andy: Cool.
Andy: I did have one other question about my order.
Roxane: I'm sorry, you can share your concern with the shipping/delivery/email at guest.service@[ReputableRetailer].com.  
Roxane: Please go ahead!
Andy: I'm actually moving soon, so, with the estimated delay to Mighty No. 9, I might prefer it shipped to my new address. Is it possible to do that?
Andy: The Matrix should still go where I had requested.
Roxane: I'm sorry, once the order is placed, we can't edit or make any changes to the order.  
Andy: Ok. I'll still be able to pick it up at the current/old address. Just thought I'd ask.
Andy: I believe I'm all set.
Roxane: Do you have any further questions for me?
Andy: Not at this time. Thank you.
Andy: Have a great day.
Roxane: Have a blessed day!
Roxane: Thanks for shopping on [ReputableRetailer].com. I hope you'll visit us again soon!

Not Quite on Target

Today I received the following email:

hello Andrew,

We just found out about an unexpected delay that affects your order (Order #xxxxxxxxxxxx) placed on 12/13/2015. We're sorry, but we may not be able to deliver your item(s) by the estimated delivery date you received with your original order.

If you still want your item(s), you will need to approve the new estimated delivery date(s) by visiting your order detail page. We will do our best to fulfill the delayed item(s) from your order, but if we can't, we will let you know as soon as possible.

If we don't hear from you, your item(s) will be canceled. You may also visit your order detail page to cancel item(s) if they are backordered or if you no longer want them.

Remember, you will not be charged for any item until it ships. If items need to ship separately, your shipping charges will not increase.

Thanks for shopping at [Reputable Retailer].
Team [Reputable Retailer]


I feel that the default behavior -- what would happen if I took no action -- is wrong.

If I'm reading things correctly, it means that, because of an unexpected delay, unless I do something, my order will be canceled.

Here's what I would have expected:
[Retailer]: Hey, that item you ordered and we said we could get you by Friday... yeah, we're out of that. We'll get it to you as soon as we can.

To which I'd reply either:
Customer: Ok. Thanks for letting me know. I look forward to getting it when it's available.
<OR>
Customer: Oh... well, I really can't wait. I guess I'll have to find another way to get it. Can we cancel that order?
[Retailer]: Sure thing. Sorry for the inconvenience.
Customer: That's ok. No big deal.

But here's what the email I got feels like:
[Retailer]: Hey, that item you ordered and we said we could get you by Friday... yeah, we're out of that. We assume you don't want it anymore. If that's not the case, you'd better tell us that.

If I was ordering something time sensitive, like a pizza or flowers for a wedding, I could see not necessarily wanting my shipment days later. I clearly would have had to make different arrangements. But, for a video game? Sure, I'd like to start playing it next week, but I won't suddenly "not want to play it" the following week.


I sent the above to [Reputable Retailer] in an email. I actually tried using live support chat, but that was like two ships passing in the night. I think I'll post that here, too. We were definitely on different pages. Oh well.

Had I gone "100 years", I still wouldn't have made a "connection"...

info: at 18:15:50
Hello, my name is [employee], your [Internet Provider] TV and entertainment specialist. How may I assist you today?

[employee]: at 18:15:53

Hello and welcome to [Internet Provider]!  How may I assist you?

Andy: at 18:15:51

Good evening. I'm here at my parent's house and wanted to check what level of internet service they're getting.

[employee]: at 18:16:34

Sure!  Can I have the account number please?

Andy: at 18:17:39

I'm looking for it. Where would I find it on their bill?

[employee]: at 18:18:12

It should be located in the top corner of the bill.

Andy: at 18:19:29

[account number]

[employee]: at 18:20:29

Thanks!  To verify the account, could I please have your full home address?

Andy: at 18:20:35

[parents' address]

[employee]: at 18:21:10

Perfect!  Can I also get your first and last name?

Andy: at 18:21:34

The name on the account is [father's name]

[employee]: at 18:22:15

Can I have your first and last name please?

Andy: at 18:22:29

I'm Andy [last name]; [father]'s eldest son.

[employee]: at 18:23:44

I do apologize Andy, but I do not see your name listed on the account therefore I cannot give you any information on the account. 

Andy: at 18:24:35

I see. So you're not able to tell me which internet speed level they're enrolled in.

[employee]: at 18:25:18

I do apologize but I am not able to give you any information regarding this account.

Andy: at 18:25:58

Ok. Can you provide general information, such as what speed levels are even available in this part of [city]? That shouldn't be personal account information.

[employee]: at 18:27:19

Sure!  I will first need a full home address to see what speeds are available in your area?

Andy: at 18:27:39

[parents' address]

[employee]: at 18:28:13

one moment please.

[employee]: at 18:31:44

I do apologize, but since this address is listed on the account I will not be able to give you the speeds available at this address.  Your father can chat back in to get information on this account.

[employee]: at 18:31:54

Is there anything else I can assist you with today?

(You have yet to assist me. I believe "else" might be overstating it.)

Andy: at 18:32:16

Can you check speeds "in this general area". I'm just wondering if you even offer the 40 Mbps package.

[employee]: at 18:33:06

I would have to have a particular address to look up that information for you.

Andy: at 18:33:49

Ok. Hang on. I'll see if I can see one of the neighbor's addresses... hopefully they're not already customers.

(I wouldn't want to trouble you... at your computer terminal... Please allow me to physically go outside and find some house numbers.)

Andy: at 18:35:24

[neighbor's address]

Andy: at 18:36:00

This is a townhouse development, so you can also try: 11674, 11675, 11676, or 11677

Andy: at 18:36:25

(Those are the ones I could easily see from the driveway. I can get you other numbers if those are all existing customers.)

[employee]: at 18:37:24

Thanks Andy!  One moment while I look up these addresses for you!

[employee]: at 18:37:57

Can I have the zip code please?

(It's the same zip code as my parents' zip code. I know you know my parents' address because you're looking at the information you cannot tell me.)

Andy: at 18:38:20

[zip code]

[employee]: at 18:39:19

Up to 40mpbs is available to the address.  Is there anything else I can assist you with today?

Andy: at 18:40:17

If my parents did not have the 40 Mbps package, would there be any hardware changes required to upgrade them? (or to switch to any of the levels from whatever they're at.)

Andy: at 18:40:47

By which, I mean, generally speaking, is it something that could be done over the phone/online, or would a technician be involved.

[employee]: at 18:41:00

I do apologize but I cannot give you any information regarding your parents account.

(Really? That's news to me. Why haven't you mentioned that before?)

Andy: at 18:40:59

Not necessarily at this address, just in general.

Andy: at 18:42:39

If "any customer" at "any nonspecific address" alters their Mbps package, would that require a technician to visit? (I'm just asking about the general process. I am not looking for personally identifiable information.)

[employee]: at 18:43:04

It varies depending on what level of services you have now. I wish I could provide you more detailed information but without you being authorized I would not be able to assist you.

(Dude. I respect that you are obeying your company's policy and I am glad that you take seriously your job to protect private information, but I am not looking for a list of what shows they've watched this month.
Imagine I'm a "potential new customer". I'd like to know if I can get the 1.5 Mbps* package and, if I later decide that's not zippy enough for me, will I be able to "flip a switch" or will I need to wait between the hours of 8am and 3pm for some technician to come and... "flip a switch".

*A package which your advertisement boasts:
1.5 Mbps is perfect for:
• Email
• Surfing the internet
• Social Networking

By "surfing" I assume you mean "standing of a surf board while we poor cups of water over it".)

Andy: at 18:43:34

So, generally speaking, switching levels "may require" hardware changes.

Andy: at 18:43:54

Are there level switches that would not require a hardware update?

[employee]: at 18:44:34

That is correct, is there anything else I can assist you with today?

Andy: at 18:44:44

Apparently not without my father here. :(

[employee]: at 18:45:17

Have a good day Andy!

9... 10... D'oh!

We were trying to download a new song for Just Dance 2014 on the Wii and we got an error. The message said that, if this error continues to occur, go to a website.

The error continued.

I went to the website.

Searching for the error code, I found the "solution" was to call an 800-number.

I called that 800-number. (I must admit, the hold music was pretty enjoyable: various themes from the Zelda universe.)

I was finally connected with David. He was very pleasant, but wouldn't be able to fix my issue himself. He needed to open a ticket with the tech department. They would contact me within the next 1 to 2 business days.

Later that same day, I received an email. It had a different number to call.

I called that different number.

I was eventually connected with Casey. He asked for my reference number, which I provided, and then for the error code, which I also provided. (Though, I had expected that information to already be available to him, as he was, presumably, looking at my incident ticket at that point in time.)

He looked up the code and then proceeded to explain what this error means and how to "fix" it. He explained that some files had gotten corrupted and that this can often happen when people illegally modify their systems.

 

He asked if I had made such modifications.

 

I said that I had not (which, by the way, is the truth, though I suspect that question is fairly universally answered in the negative).

 

He then proceeded to explain "the solution": formatting the memory.

"This may result in the loss of data." (Uhm... not so much "may" if I'm doing a format.)

Playing dumb, I asked, "What about the files that I cannot move to the SD card?"

As expected, he indicated that those would be lost.

I wish I had a transcript of the conversation because I don't recall exactly when, but he did mention that this error is typically a result of people illegally modifying the system. That's all well and good... if I had modified my system, but, since I hadn't, the karmic slap in the face seems unwarranted.

Basically, I’m being accused of breaking the rules and then I’m going to lose all my data. Wow, way to make me feel like a valuable customer.

 

 

Epilogue: We later reattempted the download, and it worked. So, we haven't lost any data yet, but I'm fearful that there is a lingering problem that could rear its head at any moment.

"Search" engine

We have a system that stores documents regarding how to deal with various incidents we encounter.

This system has a “search function” that allows you to enter a “search string” and it will return “search results”, ranked by a score indicating how closely the resulting item matched the “search string”. It will also highlight which characters in the result were found to match.

Below are the details from a recent search. You are seeing the1st, 2nd, and 40th “best matches”.

Search for:
Task 'TWINVAP004#II21EBM0100D' abnormal in process 'TWINVAP004#IDailyTestEQBM'

Score Title
100  Computer is loud or making strange sounds.
99  Cursor not responding in Windows
93 Task 'TWINVAP100#I21EBM0100D' abnormal in process 'TWINVAP100#IDailyTestEQBM'

In case it’s a bit hard to see with them so far apart, here are the search string and the “40th best match” shown directly above one another. (Red denotes differences.)
Task 'TWINVAP004#II21EBM0100D' abnormal in process 'TWINVAP004#IDailyTestEQBM'
Task 'TWINVAP100# I21EBM0100D' abnormal in process 'TWINVAP100#IDailyTestEQBM'

"Thank you" for your "support"

Below is the automated reply, in its entirity, from a website:

 ## Reply ABOVE THIS LINE to add a note to this request ##

Thank you for your inquiry. Your request has been received and is being reviewed by our support staff. Please note the information below as it will allow you to track the progress of your request online.

________________________________________

Hmm. Given the "information below", I'm concerned about the potential "progress of [my] request".

Calling ahead

This note is about a store with which I am generally happy, though this particular note is somewhat disparaging, so I'm removing the specific name: They Are Really Great... Excluding This.

Dear “Convenient Pharmacy”,

If my daughter is sick enough that I'm willing to interrupt my normal work schedule to take her in to see a doctor, it seems reasonable to conclude that I'm interested in her getting better. The fact that the physician has prescribed medication indicates that we are actively looking for solutions to a situation.

It is frustrating to arrive at the pharmacy counter after the appointment wherein a prescription was sent to you and, regardless of how much time has passed between leaving the clinic and arriving at your counter, you are "just now" finding out about the prescription. The entire point of sending it ahead of time is that you can have it ready.

However, invariably, when I finally get to the front of the line, the person always gives me a blank stare, has to wander over to the baskets, then to a second set of baskets, then checks a few more counters, then asks a few of the other people "have you seen the 'Smith' order?", then they go to another terminal, and finally they pull it up. "Oh, it just came through. It will be about 20 minutes."
 
20 minutes?!?
 
It took more than 20 minutes to get here from the clinic. I have a sick child. She is uncomfortable and in need of medication. We want to get the medicine in her as soon as possible to begin the road to recovery. Why have you not been working on this until now?

So, I wander around the store with my sick child for about 20 minutes and then return. At least the clerk recognizes my face, though not the last name, but he knows why I'm there. He goes back to a counter and says "Ok, we just need to mix it up."

Mix it up?!?

What were you doing for the past 20 minutes? Do you really think that, after our first encounter, I'm going to decide my child is no longer sick and just leave the store, never to return again? This medicine is to be stored at room temperature. It can sit on your counter just as well as it can sit on mine. I am to shake vigorously before each dose, so, even if it were to settle out a bit, waiting for my return (which should be within 20 minutes), it won't affect the potency of the medicine. It will be sitting on my counter for 4 days!
 
And then, you need to give me a consult. Really?!? My daughter is 6 and my eldest is 9. We've dealt with liquid medicine before. In fact, we've been in to this very clinic before… for this very same child…  for this very same medicine. While I appreciate the "option" of a consult, should I have any questions, if there's nothing out-of-the-ordinary, please don't introduce another delay into this process. So long as the label clearly indicates the dose amount and frequency, whether or not to refrigerate it, and whether or not to take it with food, I should be good.
 
Analogous situation:
Me: Hello, Fictitious Pizza Palace? Yeah. I'd like to order some take out.
FPP Employee: Alright, what’ll it be?
Me: Can I get 2 large, original curst pepperoni pizzas?
FPP Employee: Sure thing. Your total comes to $10. It will be about 20 minutes.
Me: Great.
[20 minutes pass, during which, I have driven to Fictitious Pizza Palace.]
Me: Hello, I'm here to pick up my order.
FPP Employee: Ok, sir. One moment please.
[Goes back to where the kitchen.]
[Returns.]
FPP Employee: Alright, we just need to bake it. I will be another 15 to 20 minutes, ok?

My voice is my passport. Verify me.

I have at least 13 distinct user ids based on "Andrew John Petersen" (that I recall... which is to say nothing about my spam accounts or systems where ids are generated for you using an iterative approach). They generally involve some combination of the following (any of which could be skipped and between any of which there might be periods, dashes, or underscores):
- Prefix (single character, site code, title, iterative number, etc.)
- First name (either full, nickname, substring, or initial)
- Middle name (either full, nickname, substring, or initial)
- Last name (either full, nickname, substring, or initial)
- Suffix (single character, site code, title, iterative number, etc.)

So, when I try to access a site or system for which I know I have an id, the first challenge is figuring out which combination I use in this specific case.

Once I've determined that, I must figure out which password is used.

Assume, as an example, that my desired password is "football". Here are some restrictions I've actually encountered, and an example of the password I might use instead:
a) must contain an uppercase and lowercase letter. --> Football
b) must contain a number. --> f00tball
c) must contain a special character. --> footb@ll
d) must be between 6 and 8 characters. --> football
e) must not contain consecutive digits. --> football
f) must not contain more than 2 sets of repeated characters. --> futbol
And, of course, these rules can be combined.
F00tb@ll would comply with a, b, c, d, and e -- but fails f.
Futb0l would meet a, b, d, e, and f -- but fails c.
I could throw an exclamation point on the end, assuming the site allows them, but the point is that I very quickly have multiple sites/services where I know my password is "football"... but I just don't know how I spelled it.

Some of the rules make sense. I can see wanting to enforce mixed case (a) and alpha-numeric (b) as that brings the character set up to 62 (26 + 26 + 10). Special characters (c) are a mixed bag, as some characters are fine in some systems and disallowed in others.

But requiring a specific length of password (d)? That provides a smaller field of options.

Must not contain consecutive digits (e)? I can see not wanting to allow 12345 (this isn't some idiots luggage), but I once had a password that contained a twelve, which I expressed as "12". Unfortunately, one and two are consecutive digits, so I couldn't use twelve. That's just lame.

Not more than one set of repeated characters (f)? Again, this limits the options, which is the opposite of heightened security. Yeah, you don't want someone to have a string of 8 qs (or qqqq if they're being witty), but "bookkeeper" shouldn't be out of the running... well, unless it's obvious that you like words with lots of double letters, or you happen to be a bookkeeper, but that's not really the point.

All of these different rules eventually result in many people writing down their user ids and passwords, which is the number 1 no-no in terms of security. That brings me to the topic of security questions... but that's a topic for another post.

Defaulty Behavior

Say what you will about Microsoft, but the fact remains that their operating system and suites of applications are quite prevalent. These apps do many thing well, but some things are downright stupid. Often, applications attempt to "be helpful," assuming a course of action the user might have wanted to take. Typically, there's a pop-up indicating such helpfulness, and the user has the option to select whether or not to accept this assistance. (e.g. Closing an unsaved document... would you like to save? [Oh, yes. Thank you.] Typing "Sund"... do you mean Sunday? [Why, yes. You've just saved me 2 keystrokes {minus the 1 for hitting enter, so really, just 1 key... and you interrupted me in the process... but it's the thought that counts.}])

One generally accepted practice amongst GUI designers is to make the default option either the "most common" or the "least dangerous". With that in mind, I now ask what you think the best default behavior ought to be upon double-clicking a shortcut that doesn't currently point to a target. Such a situation could arise if an executable were moved (either intentionally or not), if a drive was not mapped (either intentionally or not), or if the shortcut path were updated (either intentionally or not). So say, for example, the shortcut is to an application that's on a network drive and, for some reason, you're not connected to the network when you tried to launch a program -- what would make the most sense as a default behavior?

If you said "delete the shortcut" then you've got a promising career out in Silicon Valley...

 

Really?!? You can't find where the shortcut points, so the "obvious choice" is to simply delete it?

Allow me to take this line of thinking to come comedically hyperbolistic analogous situations.
Your document won't print. Seems the printer is out of paper... should I go ahead and delete the document?
It seems you dialed a wrong number... would you like me to destroy your phone?
I notice your car won't start... shall I blow it up?

Thanks, but no thanks.

FED up. EXpletive deleted.

I was expecting a package to be delivered. On Monday, when I came home from work, I saw, on my dark green front door, a starkly contrasting white sticker, stating that the delivery person had stopped by, but nobody was present to sign for the package. This was their 1st attempt and they would return for the next 2 business days. It denoted the time of the attempt, 12:25 pm, and described the delivery in the cleverly cryptic code: 2 phones.

My options were to either drive to their warehouse to pick it up myself (which somewhat defeats the purpose of having something delivered) or, to sign the sticker and post it on my door, which would grant them permission to leave my "2 phones" at my door and admonish them of any responsibility for loss, theft, or damage.

Not excited about the prospect of placing a sticker on my door that essentially announces that I will be away from my home all day and that there will be "2 phones" on my steps at some point in the afternoon, but unable to get to the warehouse before they close, and hoping to get this package sooner than later, I decided to proceed with the signed sticker option. They had placed the sticker on the center of my door, slightly below eye level. I decided to place my response in the "slightly less obvious for passers-by" upper right-hand corner. My storm door is mostly window, but the outside edge is opaque, and partially shielded the sticker.

When I returned home on Tuesday, I found a new sticker at eye level on the storm door. It featured the same driver code, a slightly later time, 1:15 pm, a check box in the "2nd attempt" box, and once again requested my signature. Assuming that this driver does not have a gun that can shoot door tags from the street, it would seem that they came all the way up to my door. Presumably, their records would indicate that they should look for a tag on my door. Now, in their defense, there were no stickers on my storm door, but, as you might recall from the first paragraph, their initial communication was posted on my green door, not the storm door. If they had opened the storm door (which they clearly had done on Monday), and were looking on the green door (the very same door on which they posted their sticker) for a sticker bearing my signature, I would be in possession of my "2 phones" (barring, of course, any petty theft subsequent to drop off).

Instead, I am still "2 phone"-less and once again had a sign on the front of my house announcing "nobody's here during business hours". Once again unable to travel to the warehouse before it closed, I was forced to wait another day.

Today, before heading off to work, I put both signed stickers on my green door. Once again slightly obscured by the storm door, however this time placed a bit more to the middle and, with 2 door stickers, hopefully less miss-able.

Will I find a 3rd sticker, perhaps left in my driveway, as the driver couldn't be troubled to go all the way to my door, in fear of actually finding my signature and making the delivery? Will I find my "2 phones"? Will I find no phones, but a set of fresh tracks through the snow from some thief who now has my packages? Tune in next time for the exciting conclusion of 'The Little Delivery Person that Could'.