Point/Counterpoint

As you might imagine, divorce has been on my mind a lot recently. I decided to do some writing about it. I began with "Divorce is..." and this is where I went.

Divorce is:
- embarrassing.
You promised in front of God and everybody that you'd be with this person 'til death do you part... and now you're parting... and nobody's dead.
- scary.
It is uncharted water. You've never been divorced before. Sure, you've known people who were divorced, but they were always "those people"... now you're one of "those people".
- expensive.
Lawyers aren't cheep. Cutting your income in half stinks. And you don't actually give up half of your expenses... there had been some synergy to being on a combined income.
- stressful.
This is a major life event. There's a lot being decided about you and about your kids, some of which will be in effect forever*, so you better make sure you get it right. (*"Forever" kind of loses its power when you think back to that whole "'til death do us part" thing.)
- failure.
If you're someone who doesn't like to fail, divorce is a very hard pill to swallow.
- quitting.
Mm-kay. You can also quit smoking, drinking, or a terrible job... "Quitting" isn't inherently a "bad thing".
- wrong.
Sure, if you're a 100% orthodox Catholic, this might be a problem, but there's a good chance you're not actually in that camp so I don't need to start whipping out verses to prove that to you.
- ugly.
It can be... but it doesn't have to be.

Then, just for fun, I decided to use those same responses, but change the beginning of the sentence.

Not getting divorced is:
- embarrassing.
You go to a wedding, and you see the celebration of love, and the promise that this couple has... and you're not feeling it yourself... and you're afraid others might see that as well. You see a clip from an old episode of "The Newlywed Game" and the question is "How often do you ___?" (Could be smooch, buy flowers, 'hum-ina hum-ina', etc.) and you nervously think to yourself, you don't recall how long it's been.)
- scary.
There's still that ever-looming threat of divorce. You're effectively facing the world alone, and that's scary whether you're married or not... possibly more so while married, because you're doing it secretly.
- expensive.
This is a bit of a tougher one. There might be costs for counseling or possibly coping mechanisms to meet your own needs (such as "retail therapy"), but otherwise, the financial expense isn't always obvious. Now the emotional cost is quit real, but that's not really in the spirit of point/counterpoint.
- stressful.
Cognitive dissonance. Not looking forward to coming home or them coming home. If you mess something up, and now you're just waiting for the inevitable blame.
- failure.
There's clearly a problem, but there you are: failing to acknowledge; failing to act.
- quitting.
You're giving up on yourself. You've accepted that things are awful, but you're not going to do anything about it.
- wrong.
You're not doing what is right for you. You're not doing what is right for your partner. You're certainly not doing what is right for your children. You're setting a terrible example and demonstrating that an unhealthy and unhappy relationship is ok, tolerable, and normal.
- ugly.
A loveless marriage. Not valuing yourself enough to speak up when your needs aren't being met. Going through the motions until one of you finally dies. Actively disliking the other person. Private disagreements that creep out into public light occasionally, and the awkwardness around that.


I know this is ultimately the right thing to do and, eventually, things will get better, but, for now, I'm in the midst of the yuckiness. Things aren't going as quickly and smoothly as I had hoped (though I'm told this is typical). Things have gotten a little gross (which, I'm assured, is also normal and temporary). I'm really looking forward to it being done and behind me.

Thanks to my friends who have reached out to me. In my previous post, I mentioned the whole "not wanting to pry" thing, and I think I may have given the wrong tone. Psychology says that our favorite word is our own name. (Based on the parts of the brain that light up when we hear it.) In general, people like to talk about themselves. Sure, some things might not be so fun to talk about, but someone else showing an interest in you is always welcome. (Well, ruling out stalkers or unwanted attention... oh, counter examples... why must you haunt me?) Anyway, the point is, if you want to ask me something, but you're afraid you're prying -- ask. If, by some chance, it is more than I'd like to share, I can draw that line and just say I'd rather not say.

Objectively, I have first-hand access to an experience. It's something that, sadly, isn't extremely rare in our society, but it is something that many people I know haven't experienced first-hand (which is good) and here's your chance to learn about it (and hopefully avoid it). I'm not going to "dish dirt", but if you've got other questions, feel free to ask.

Also, feel free to "not ask". I have had over 37 years of life experiences and this divorce is just one of them. I don't want to be seen as "Andy, the guy who's always droning on and on about his divorce". I'm still "Andy, that math geek who is pretty excited about infinity" and "Andy, that guy who loves playing games" and "Andy, the dude who sticks things to his forehead and balances things on his chin"... I'm Andy!

Disclaimer: I take marriage seriously. Divorce is not something to be taken lightly. If you can avoid it, I recommend that. However, don't ignore it to the point of ignoring yourself.
If you're considering divorce, first off, my heart aches for you, but secondly, try to be honest with yourself and with your spouse. It should be an option on the table, but hopefully not the only option. (It really depends on how far along an unfavorable path you've already gone.)