In the doghouse

My dog is getting old and I fear I am not able to provide him the care and attention that he needs. He's a 12 year-old neutered male Maltese. He has very few teeth left (though still eats small kibble mixed with a little water). His vision and hearing are suspect. He is house trained, thus nobody has to take him outside in the dead of winter, but he does have his share of "intentionals". (Those are like "accidents", but with premeditation.)

Jen has become allergic to him, so he's no longer allowed to sleep in our room. Due to the aforementioned "intentionals", he needs to be contained at night. He's got a small gated area, with his dog bed, his water dish, and a piddle pad, in the basement, but lately he's taken to barking... in the middle of the night... a lot. (To be clear, he also likes to bark in the daytime. In general, if he's separated from the pack, he's fond of vocalizing his discontent.)

I think he's lonely.

He's occasionally had nights not in his pen, and, though he doesn't bark, he has had an alarmingly high "intentional" rate.

Oh, how I wish I could reason with him. "Neo, if you promise not to pee on the floor, you can have free run of the entire house."

Alas, one cannot reason with a dog. So he's relegated to his pen.
When he barks, he gets put in his kennel and put out in our attached garage.
Whenever he's been in his kennel for a period of time, he invariably pees in there.

This leaves us with a stinky, barking dog, that my wife is allergic to, who, more often than he should, pees on the floor. This is not raising his stock value.

He needs a home where he can be free; where he's not separated from the pack. He doesn't require walks (his small stature ensures that running throughout the house is sufficient exercise). He likes nothing more than to sit in someone's lap, or right next to them in a large chair, or on one of his dog beds on the floor in a room with people. He's pretty friendly with people, though he doesn't take too kindly to being stepped on. He will occasionally "bite" at feet if you do catch his tail accidentally. (I put "bite" in quotes due to his lack of teeth.)

I don't want to kill my dog, but I'm afraid I can't keep him much longer.

Anybody have a contingent in your household rooting for getting a dog, but maybe others aren't so sure? Would you like to borrow Neo for a week or two, to test out if the kids will actually feed him and clean up after him, like they promise they will? (If it’s going well, this “trial period” could be extended indefinitely.)
Any retired, empty-nesters looking for a companion that doesn't require much maintenance?

I'd like to "send him to a farm, to happily live out the rest of his days".
Are you a "farmer"?