Point/Counterpoint

As you might imagine, divorce has been on my mind a lot recently. I decided to do some writing about it. I began with "Divorce is..." and this is where I went.

Divorce is:
- embarrassing.
You promised in front of God and everybody that you'd be with this person 'til death do you part... and now you're parting... and nobody's dead.
- scary.
It is uncharted water. You've never been divorced before. Sure, you've known people who were divorced, but they were always "those people"... now you're one of "those people".
- expensive.
Lawyers aren't cheep. Cutting your income in half stinks. And you don't actually give up half of your expenses... there had been some synergy to being on a combined income.
- stressful.
This is a major life event. There's a lot being decided about you and about your kids, some of which will be in effect forever*, so you better make sure you get it right. (*"Forever" kind of loses its power when you think back to that whole "'til death do us part" thing.)
- failure.
If you're someone who doesn't like to fail, divorce is a very hard pill to swallow.
- quitting.
Mm-kay. You can also quit smoking, drinking, or a terrible job... "Quitting" isn't inherently a "bad thing".
- wrong.
Sure, if you're a 100% orthodox Catholic, this might be a problem, but there's a good chance you're not actually in that camp so I don't need to start whipping out verses to prove that to you.
- ugly.
It can be... but it doesn't have to be.

Then, just for fun, I decided to use those same responses, but change the beginning of the sentence.

Not getting divorced is:
- embarrassing.
You go to a wedding, and you see the celebration of love, and the promise that this couple has... and you're not feeling it yourself... and you're afraid others might see that as well. You see a clip from an old episode of "The Newlywed Game" and the question is "How often do you ___?" (Could be smooch, buy flowers, 'hum-ina hum-ina', etc.) and you nervously think to yourself, you don't recall how long it's been.)
- scary.
There's still that ever-looming threat of divorce. You're effectively facing the world alone, and that's scary whether you're married or not... possibly more so while married, because you're doing it secretly.
- expensive.
This is a bit of a tougher one. There might be costs for counseling or possibly coping mechanisms to meet your own needs (such as "retail therapy"), but otherwise, the financial expense isn't always obvious. Now the emotional cost is quit real, but that's not really in the spirit of point/counterpoint.
- stressful.
Cognitive dissonance. Not looking forward to coming home or them coming home. If you mess something up, and now you're just waiting for the inevitable blame.
- failure.
There's clearly a problem, but there you are: failing to acknowledge; failing to act.
- quitting.
You're giving up on yourself. You've accepted that things are awful, but you're not going to do anything about it.
- wrong.
You're not doing what is right for you. You're not doing what is right for your partner. You're certainly not doing what is right for your children. You're setting a terrible example and demonstrating that an unhealthy and unhappy relationship is ok, tolerable, and normal.
- ugly.
A loveless marriage. Not valuing yourself enough to speak up when your needs aren't being met. Going through the motions until one of you finally dies. Actively disliking the other person. Private disagreements that creep out into public light occasionally, and the awkwardness around that.


I know this is ultimately the right thing to do and, eventually, things will get better, but, for now, I'm in the midst of the yuckiness. Things aren't going as quickly and smoothly as I had hoped (though I'm told this is typical). Things have gotten a little gross (which, I'm assured, is also normal and temporary). I'm really looking forward to it being done and behind me.

Thanks to my friends who have reached out to me. In my previous post, I mentioned the whole "not wanting to pry" thing, and I think I may have given the wrong tone. Psychology says that our favorite word is our own name. (Based on the parts of the brain that light up when we hear it.) In general, people like to talk about themselves. Sure, some things might not be so fun to talk about, but someone else showing an interest in you is always welcome. (Well, ruling out stalkers or unwanted attention... oh, counter examples... why must you haunt me?) Anyway, the point is, if you want to ask me something, but you're afraid you're prying -- ask. If, by some chance, it is more than I'd like to share, I can draw that line and just say I'd rather not say.

Objectively, I have first-hand access to an experience. It's something that, sadly, isn't extremely rare in our society, but it is something that many people I know haven't experienced first-hand (which is good) and here's your chance to learn about it (and hopefully avoid it). I'm not going to "dish dirt", but if you've got other questions, feel free to ask.

Also, feel free to "not ask". I have had over 37 years of life experiences and this divorce is just one of them. I don't want to be seen as "Andy, the guy who's always droning on and on about his divorce". I'm still "Andy, that math geek who is pretty excited about infinity" and "Andy, that guy who loves playing games" and "Andy, the dude who sticks things to his forehead and balances things on his chin"... I'm Andy!

Disclaimer: I take marriage seriously. Divorce is not something to be taken lightly. If you can avoid it, I recommend that. However, don't ignore it to the point of ignoring yourself.
If you're considering divorce, first off, my heart aches for you, but secondly, try to be honest with yourself and with your spouse. It should be an option on the table, but hopefully not the only option. (It really depends on how far along an unfavorable path you've already gone.)

Petersen's Pesky Pachyderm

(The elephant in the room.)

As you may have heard, Jen and I are getting divorced.
This type of news is "awkward and uncomfortable".
I suspect you may be feeling something along the lines of, "Well, shoot, that's very sad... I wish I could help... but I don't want to pry... Gee, this is awkward and uncomfortable."

Let me start by setting your mind at ease. There is no addiction or infidelity involved. Jen and I just grew apart and weren't demonstrating a loving relationship for the girls. Rather than "go through the motions" and "stick it out for the children" (which would actually be detrimental), we've decided to make the difficult choice.

First and foremost, we want the girls to know that they are loved and this is not their fault. (We've told them this, and continue to reiterate, but this is a major upheaval in their lives as well, so we must be ever mindful of how they're doing. (At the same time, they also don't need to be constantly reminded about painful things. Yes, their parents are getting divorced, but there are so many other things going on in their lives; we don't need to dwell on that.))

It is also important that we maintain a unified front. No good comes of anyone speaking ill of either parent, especially as observable by the girls. (Fun fact - The girls are more observant than one might think. Even if someone isn't "saying" negative things, a "general attitude" can be sensed by the girls.)

I am trying my best not to focus on blame nor harbor ill-will. Actively disliking anybody is a waste of energy: your life doesn't get any better and interactions with the other person only become more tenuous.

It is my hope that none of you have negative feelings for either of us. There needn't be a #TeamAndy vs. #TeamJen.

Some observations about myself:

- I am an introvert.
- I am quirky and have been known to be social awkward at times.
- I am going through a stressful and emotionally charged period.
- I may be preoccupied and possibly less-chipper than my baseline value.
- I know this is the right thing and, despite the current discomfort, I will establish a "new normal" and things will be good.
- I am in need of support from my friends and family, though I suspect "person going through a divorce" isn't generically high on anyone's "who would I like to hang out with" list.

 

Here are some over-simplified caricatures of the spectrum of friends:

- I went to school/church/camp/etc. with Andy. I never really knew him all that well, but he seemed nice enough. It's too bad that he's getting divorced, but, ultimately, this won't have an impact on my life.
- I knew Andy pretty well... but that was quite a while ago. It's a bummer that he's getting divorced. Maybe I'll drop him a line on Facebook. Hang in there, buddy.
- I know both Andy and Jen and this breaks my heart. Oh, the poor girls. This is just all around sad. I wish I could wrap them all up in a hug and let them know they are loved and it will all work out in the end.
- I never really knew Jen, but Andy and I go way back. If there's anything I can do to help, bro, just call.

Wherever you find yourself on that spectrum, that's fine.
I appreciate all of my friends.

I would like to apologize in advance if I am preoccupied or less-chipper than intended.

I know this is temporary, so thank you for your support and patience.

2014 Christmas Letter

2014 was a big year. Here are some of the highlights:

·         In January, the Imaginative Orange Pi Guys: Silver Edition (Ella's Lego League team) hosted a Davanni's Fundraiser as their team prepared to go to the State Tournament.

·         In February, said Lego League team won the Team Spirit award at State. Later that month, Jen played in a clarinet ensemble, Ella played piano (from memory), and Melanie was Andy's lovely assistant for his juggling routine in the church's talent show.

·         In March, Melanie turned 7, which was particularly exciting for the girls, as they are quite fond of the joke "Why is 9 afraid of 7? ... Because 7 'ate' 9."

·         In April, both girls had their first communion.

·         In May, I caught a marshmallow thrown over 40 feet by a stranger; it was delicious.

·         In June, Andy and Jen commemorated 15 years of marriage.

·         In July, Andy moved out.

·         In August, Ella turned 10. 10! Can you believe it?! Double-digits. Wow.

·         In September, Mike and Lee got married.

·         In October, Ella was a fairy princess, Melanie was a cowgirl, and Andy wore a "bowling shirt" with "BOSTON E Bowlers" on the back. ("Boston" was necessary to get the pronunciation correct... I was an E-bowler.)

·         In November, Andy got to share the excitement as Cory Springhorn was elected to City Council.

·         We are now in December, and looking back at another crazy year that's about to end.

From all of us me, to all of you: best wishes for 2015.

 

Andy

 

P.S. In the event that this letter leaves you with questions, might I suggest this blog entry:

Petersen's Pesky Pachyderm